Need help with my Synopsis

[slavi111]

Thanks for the help, guys. Those are great notes.

[ScriptNurse]

A film director has to face a bizarre serial killer when his last movie suddenly turns into reality.

While we're at it ... let's improve the verbs used. "Has to face" is passive. A film director faces is not passive.

Aren't all serial killers bizarre by definition? How about this:

A film director faces a serial killer when his movie becomes real. (12 words)

[StewBrain]

The second one is much better.  More clear.  You are still using incorrect word usage when describing going back in time.  If I say:  He got back in time.  It is different than to say: He's gone back in time.  You avoided it completely in the second one, which might be fine.  It might be unecessary to talk of time travel if he's been transformed to play the role of a character from a movie, in real life (the serial killer repeating his murders could be all thats needed for the audience to understand that this is the past being relived.  Time travel being obvious).  You need to use spellcheck and be careful.  Till will not show up as an incorrectly spelled word.  Till the soil.  You are using it as slang for the word until.

Re-write the second one again and see if you can get it even more concise.  I would find a way to get rid of the colon at the beginning.

Still needs a little work, but much better than before for sure.

[slavi111]

Hi, guys

Thanks for the crit. Here are the two final versions of my query letter (just the logline and the short one paragraph summery). Could you tell me which you like better.

Thanks!

1

Logline: After he has finished a serial killer movie based on a real story, a film director gets the chance to get back in time and stop the killer.

Summery:CHARLEY BENNET, a talented film director is hired by a shady movie producer to finish the shooting of a movie of his. Based on real events the film tells the story of a bizarre serial killer, committed a series of brutal murders and disappeared without a trace two years ago.One morning after the movie is finished Charley wakes up to find himself back in time to two years ago when the horrible crimes described in his movie start. The killer takes his first victim. Charley realizes that he is the only one who can stop the killer and set things right.


2

Logline: A film director has to face a bizarre serial killer when his last movie suddenly turns into reality.

Summery: CHARLEY BENNET,a talented film director who has wasted his promising career wants only one thing: a second chance. The long awaited opportunity comes when a mysterious and unknown movie producer offers him to finish shooting a serial killer movie. Charley jumps at the opportunity. Everything is going great till one morning when Charley wakes up to find that the fictional world of the movie has become reality. Now he has to outsmart the vicious killer or be his next victim.

[StewBrain]

A movie director, mysteriously transformed into a character, must keep a serial killer from repeating his historic murders.


I'm treating this thread like a writing exercise. 

[ScriptNurse]

Not to sound critical, but these aren't synopses, they're a long-winded loglines. A synopsis is a one-page "executive summary" of the story. A logline is usually one sentence of 25 words or less ... preferably 10-15 well-chosen words.

[StewBrain]

I would go with the second one for reasons stated above.  I would also suggest rewriting it a couple times to make it more concise.  Some of you sentences are awkward.

It's an interesting idea though, Groundhog Day, Twighlight Zone-ish.  It doesn't need to be bogged down with a completely unrelated back story, like being in jail.


CHARLEY BENNET, a talented film director whose career is going nowhere agrees to finish the shooting of a movie about a sinister serial killer. Working on the film he finds out that the killer all the characters in the movie are based on real people. The movie re-creates the horrible crimes that happened 2 years ago. One morning after the movie is finished, Charley wakes up as Bill Jackson, one of the main characters from his movie, but now everything is real. He got back in time 2 years from now. Now he is the only one who can stop the killer.

He got back in time.  For what you are implying this is wrong.  The sentence you wrote suggests that he was supposed to be somewhere at a certain time and succeeded and we are being told that by someone that can see into the future.  It's also not necessary to provide that detail in you synopsis (two years, twent years etc. that's detail for the screenplay to handle).

ChARLEY BENNET, a film director whose career is going nowhere, gets the opportunity of a lifetime.  He's been chosen to finish the shooting of a movie based on the real crimes of a serial killer.  After the films completion, Charley wakes up one morning and realizes somethings wrong.  He's been mysteriously, transformed to the past as one of the main characters.  Now, unless he is able to stop the madman, the deadly events of the past will be re-lived.

I re-wrote it just to show a variation.  You have a unique circumstance in having someone travel in time and become someone else.


Hope that helps.

[rnbrewer]

The first one almost sounds like two movies in one. Why did Charley go to jail? What was his crime? If you went with the first synopsis why not have Charley try to make his movie while he's still in jail? As for the others, they all sound about the same.

I have to admit, your choice of words has me a little confused. Did Charley show up at the last minute to take out the killer or did he time travel to the past?

[slavi111]

Hi, guys. I really need your help. I’m trying to choose a synopsis (one of the following) for my query. Please read them and tell me what you think. Which you like best? ANY criticism is welcome. Just drop me some comment about anything you like (typos, grammar, the idea).




1 CHARLEY BENNET, a young and talented film director goes out of jail where he has spent the last 3 years of his life. Determined to get his life back, Charley starts looking for a job as a movie director. He meets the mysterious and unknown film producer ALAN RICE who offers him to finish the shooting of a movie of his. A thriller about a sinister serial killer. Charley accepts immediately.

One morning after the movie is finished, Charley wakes up as Bill Jackson, one of the main characters from his movie, but now everything is real. The killer takes his first victim. Charley is the only one who can stop the killer.


2 CHARLEY BENNET, a talented film director whose career is going nowhere agrees to finish the shooting of a movie about a sinister serial killer. Working on the film he finds out that the killer all the characters in the movie are based on real people. The movie re-creates the horrible crimes that happened 2 years ago. One morning after the movie is finished, Charley wakes up as Bill Jackson, one of the main characters from his movie, but now everything is real. He got back in time 2 years from now. Now he is the only one who can stop the killer.


3 CHARLEY BENNET, a talented film director whose career is going nowhere agrees to finish the shooting of a movie about a sinister serial killer. One morning after the film is finished Charley wakes up as Bill Jackson, one of the main characters from his film. The movie has turned into reality and the killer takes his first victim. Charley is the only one who can stop the killer. In order to do that, he has to use every name, every location, and every line of conversation, even the tiniest detail from the movie’s shooting.


4 CHARLEY BENNET, a talented film director who has wasted his promising career gets the second chance he's been dreaming. A mysterious and unknown film producer offers him to finish the shooting of a movie of his. A thriller about a sinister serial killer. Everything is going great till one morning when Charley wakes up as Bill Jackson, one of the main characters in his own movie where he has to face the killer.


5 CHARLEY BENNET, a talented film director wakes up one morning as one of the main characters in his own movie. His film, a dark story about a sinister serial killer based on real events that happened 2 years ago has now turned into reality. Trying to understand what is happening, Charley discovers that he got back in time, when the horrible crimes described in his movie started. Now he is the only one who can stop the killer and make things right.


6 CHARLEY BENNET, a talented movie director is hired by a mysterious and unknown film producer to finish the shooting of a movie of his. Based on real events the film tells the story of a sinister serial killer, committed a series of brutal murders and disappeared without a trace 2 years ago. One morning after the movie is finished, Charley wakes up in his own movie as Bill Jackson, one of the main characters. Looking for answers he discovers that he got back in time 2 years from now, when the horrible crimes described in his movie started. Now he is the only one who can stop the killer.


7 CHARLEY BENNET, a talented movie director whose career is pretty much over wants only one thing from life: a second chance. The long waited opportunity comes when a mysterious and unknown film producer offers him to finish the shooting of a movie of his. A thriller about a sinister serial killer. When the things seem to be going just great, Charley wakes up one morning as Bill Jackson, one of the main characters in his own movie where he has to face the killer.