Logline- The River Deep

[ScriptNurse]

WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ... but you know something is not right ... turn the logline around.

The storyline about the father and son ... yawn ... it doesn't grab you in a few words — BUT —

Two killers take refuge in a cabin occupied by a father and son who fight them for their survival.

I don't know if this is what you've written, but it's got more action and grabs the reader's attention sooner. That's what you're after ... grab 'em by the throat so they can only croak, "Get me that script!"

Unimportant for purposes of a logline:

estranged — sounds complicated; let 'em get that part when they read the script
unite and fight — a little conditional?
weekend fishing trip — doesn't usually matter where; could've been a bowling alley
interrupted — sounds like bothering someone at tea time; you need POWER words here
dangerous fugitives — if this was a comedy it would have been "naughty men" ... it's too proper ... are they murderers? killers? what are they?

This is bull-by-the-horns stuff ... the bare essentials. See if you can hone this and pare the words down more.

[tzpilot]

I've been mulling this around for quite a while trimming here, adding there, etc, etc...  Here's what I have so far:


The River Deep
A father and his estranged teenage son must unite and fight for their lives after a weekend fishing trip is interrupted by two dangerous fugitives who take refuge in their wilderness cabin.


I just don't get the feeling that this really captures the essence of the storyline that I'm working here.  I know what my story is, I know what it's about, I've got my characters, settings, conflict, etc.  My original logline was about four lines, and I've managed to trim it down to this.

I'm working with two storylines here, the first deals with "Abduction", and the second explores the "Enmity of Kinsman" between father and son.  My story beats are coming together well, but I just don't know if the logline tells enough.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Dan