Rip this apart for me...

[ScriptNurse]

Here's my advice ... get two versions ... try it out on people, but only one logline per person. Do NOT ask people which they live better because you won't get a true response. Instead, see which logline gets the better reaction. When you start getting "That sounds interesting," or "I'd like to see that movie," you know you're close.

Can you basically describe the movie in less than 15 words? That's the goal.

[Micky P]

Thanks Don, I'll change it to read as you suggest. My problem is that I try and 'tell' the whole movie which is why I bring in the 'bungling funeral home'. You suggestion encompasses that too... I'll keep you posted!

Thanks
Micky P

[ScriptNurse]

Three dissimilar spirits cannot enter Heaven until they work together to complete unfinished business.

It also strikes me that you're describing what they have to do, not what transformation they must make. People don't care about what other people must do, but how they must change.

What happens if you change the focus on what they must become, rather than what they must do?

[Micky P]

I'm using this logline.....

A Mexican, Caucasian and African-American’s spirits must work together to complete unfinished business if they are to enter heaven; a bungling funeral home doesn't help matters.

I'm not getting anyone to the synopsis, is this logline making people fall asleep? I'm ready to be ripped apart on this one so please have at it..

Thanks

Mick