NEED LOGLINE HELP PLEASE

[truecrime]

I forgot to add my Tagline for this fim is: Hell Is Other People.

I took that from Sartre's play No Exit. His premise was the way other people see you and act on what they perceive is where your worst nightmares can come from whether that's who you are or not. That is the beginning of the protagonist's problem. Her best friend is jealous of her because she has a handsome jock boyfriend, a nice family life, gets good grades etc and the best friend is basically a crimeslut that always attracts scum type guys that use her and throw her away. The best friend tries little tricks to unsettle the protagonist and make her feel insecure or prudish but that is in the mind of the best friend. The protagonist is oblivious to this scheming and doesn't develop an real aversion to sexual assault until the professor tries to rape her.

[truecrime]

Prior to the attempted sexual assault (failed rape) on her by her obsessed college professor, her fear was water, due to a near-drowming incident from the previous summer, in which her best friend saved her.

She is not ready to have intercourse yet like her two closest girlfriends so they see her as a prude in a way. She just wants to wait until she's married. Her best friend, due to her fascination with bad boy types and not having a place to bring these guys keeps putting the protagonist in awkward positions so she can have sex with these guys. The protagonist I guess you would say has her own reservatiuons about premarital sex reinforced by her friend's actions.

Does that make sense? Does it help move the protagonist's struggle forward?

[ScriptNurse]

So ... this is a story about ...

An insecure teenager who faces her fear of sexual assault when ____________________.

Does she have this fear as a result of being molested as a child? A failed rape when she was a little older? Something else?

[truecrime]

insecure

I modeled her after Laurie Strode from Halloween who I thought of as intelligent, level-headed, reserved and yet naive about the attention that she was drawing (from the killer). She was made fun of by her friends that kept teasing her about her sense of foreboding and her shyness with guys. Actually she was dead on about her paranoid feeling but couldn't prove or confront it until it jumped out of nowhere.
That's the situation I am putting my protagonist in with her biggest fear being sexually assaulted since that is how all the intimidating situations happen to her (thanks to her best friend's poor judgement).The other initmidating situations are done as montages to demonstrate how sexually aggressive her best friend is with guys in contrast to the protagonist who is either left to feel extremely awkward as a 3rd wheel or isolated with a roomful of hormone raging guys).

[ScriptNurse]

Okay ... so let's identify the teenager ... a single descriptive word ... insecure? self-conscious? __________?

What is her greatest fear?

[truecrime]

You are right. I am concerned with approaching this familiar concept with an unusual yet not implausable inciting incident.
Also I am concerned with keeping the mechanics of how things flow realistic enough that there is real horror when the confrontation begins as the audience can relate on some level to the possibility of this happening to them. 

Do you think the logline I have is appropriate to the protagonist's struggle?

[ScriptNurse]

I see ... this is a story about a teenager ('individual') who must 'face the fear or be consumed by it.' This teenager is one of a group stuck in a remote cabin being set upon by deranged locals. We will see this character ultimately face her fear and overcome it, I assume.

The whole first paragraph is your McGuffin ... and irrelevant to the story ... but facilitates in quickly getting the story going in an interesting way.

I think you are enamored with the mechanics of how the story works and that clouds your view of the basic, underlying story. Your story is about a person who must face and overcome some fear. Everyone understands this because everyone is afraid of something.

[truecrime]

Synopsis for Logline. Maybe this will help with developing a better logline?

The night before six friends leave for a road trip to a cabin recently inherited by the protagonist’s mother, a lustful college professor, who has been obsessed with the shy protagonist shows up at the house and attempts to sexually assault her. He is accidentally killed. The protagonist’s best friend suggests they get rid of the body to avoid complications (the best friend has a prior record).
They take off on their trip the following morning and are unknowingly stalked by some strange locals that ultimately facilitate the breakdown of their van.  The students make it to the cabin on foot and plan to change the flat tire on the van once they get it out of the ditch they landed in.
While at the cabin, the locals terrorize the students. During this confrontation, the shy protagonist must come to terms with the reasons why the situation with the professor got out of hand and make the right decision in this situation in order to save her life.
The script explores how provocative fear is and how it attracts the exact stimulus the individual seeks to avoid to the point where the individual must face the fear or be consumed by it.

[truecrime]

Six college co-eds are terrorized after they dump her college professor’s dead body.

Here is a logline for the same script but it gives more information on the inciting incident.
Does it grab more attention for reading the script?

[truecrime]

While partying at a cabin in the woods a group of teens is terrorized by a gang of psycho killers.

Does this logline tell enough to build interest in the script?

[ScriptNurse]

Shorter is almost always better because the listener can grasp all of it in one short sentence.

[truecrime]

What about this one?
Six teens, out for a night of partying at a remote cabin recently inherited by one of their parents, are terrorized upon the return of the psychotic killers who have been squatting there thinking the property was abandoned.

[truecrime]

This logline says what happens ( in act 2)

While partying at a cabin in the woods a group of teens is terrorized by a gang of psycho killers.

Is this better?

[truecrime]

The story was about the shy college co-ed unwittingly ending up almost being killed by a group of psychos the leader of which is the ex-con boyfriend of the college co-ed's best friend.

After thinking about it more, the story really is more about the psychos than it is about the co-ed and her friends. Whatever has gone on with the group of friends is really just to get them stuck in the woods so they can be stalked, tortured and some killed at the cabin.

The twist I had in mind was changing the usual horror movie line where the kids show up get killed just out of the blue and randomly where they are all innocent to one where one of the group of kids is responsible for them getting into the dangerous situation.

In real life there is always a jerk in the bunch that doesnt know when to stop and that person can literally get you killed if the right situation happens. I was trying to add a crimeslut personality to the friend of Lori in Halloween and based these 3 girlfriends on those three girls from Halloween and they all meet up with 3 Last House on the Left psychos because of the character that is like Lori's friend using poor judgement.

[ScriptNurse]

You have so many people mentioned here. WHO is this story about? Which character's point of view is shown in the story?