Script Nurse Forum
February 09, 2012, 05:52:54 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length

News: YOU MUST REGISTER in order to post and use the CHAT ROOM. It's FREE, of course, but necessary. MAIN SITE returns you to the main Script Nurse website and HOME brings you back to the top of the forums. CHAT ROOM access is automatic once you've registered.

THIS FORUM IS ABOUT SCREENWRITING. It has nothing to do with nursing, health care, nursing jobs, medicine or scripting language programming. Posts with these subjects are IMMEDIATELY deleted and the user who posted the topic is permanently banned.
 

  MAIN SITE   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Pages: [1]
« previous next »
  Print  
Author Topic: Logline Help  (Read 1961 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
ScriptNurse
Head Nurse
Private Coach
Screenwriter-Producer
*
Posts: 1322


Head Nurse


View Profile
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2009, 11:46:00 PM »
Very kind words, but I'm not the big expert here ... but I do have one thing on my side most of you don't have ... I've read more scripts — good and bad. Suggestion ... to be a better writer, read more scripts — good and bad.
Logged
Don Bledsoe
Head Nurse
Write better ... right now!
Good scripts are those that get bought.
Want to write screenplays? READ SCREENPLAYS!
Write it right and they'll say it right!
NO SPEEDBUMPS!
Want control? GO TO FILM SCHOOL!
One Mundane Life
New Screenwriter
*
Posts: 17



View Profile
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2009, 10:06:18 PM »
Thank you Don!  I really like the changes you made, makes a stronger statement this way.  All of you have helped out immensely.  Thank you again!!
Logged
BETTY
Perhaps the reason I hated Bases
Loaded is that I knew your name.
I'd always heard you had some
talent.

GILLIS
That was last year.  This year
I'm trying to earn a living.

From Sunset Boulevard
scripto
Six-Figure Screenwriter
***
Posts: 58


View Profile WWW
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2009, 09:09:32 PM »
Quote from: ScriptNurse on June 24, 2009, 07:58:58 PM
This is good:

After receiving the Gift of Healing from an angel, a young man soon discovers that his ability to heal will also destroy those closest to him.

But I see little "qualifiers" ... unnecessary words that dilute the impact of what you are saying, so maybe a little shift in the focus might help make it tighter:

A young man receives the Gift of Healing from an angel and quickly discovers his ability to heal destroys those closest to him.

What is removed is the passive voice writing ... receiving ... that ... will also ... these are passive words.

You see?  There is nothing that's good that can't be made even better!  That's why we come here to Don for help.  The man knows his stuff!
Logged
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
   
    - Woody Allen
ScriptNurse
Head Nurse
Private Coach
Screenwriter-Producer
*
Posts: 1322


Head Nurse


View Profile
« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2009, 07:58:58 PM »
This is good:

After receiving the Gift of Healing from an angel, a young man soon discovers that his ability to heal will also destroy those closest to him.

But I see little "qualifiers" ... unnecessary words that dilute the impact of what you are saying, so maybe a little shift in the focus might help make it tighter:

A young man receives the Gift of Healing from an angel and quickly discovers his ability to heal destroys those closest to him.

What is removed is the passive voice writing ... receiving ... that ... will also ... these are passive words.
Logged
Don Bledsoe
Head Nurse
Write better ... right now!
Good scripts are those that get bought.
Want to write screenplays? READ SCREENPLAYS!
Write it right and they'll say it right!
NO SPEEDBUMPS!
Want control? GO TO FILM SCHOOL!
scripto
Six-Figure Screenwriter
***
Posts: 58


View Profile WWW
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2009, 10:13:37 PM »
No problem.  You've got an excellent logline there!
Logged
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
   
    - Woody Allen
One Mundane Life
New Screenwriter
*
Posts: 17



View Profile
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2009, 10:07:07 PM »
Thanks Scripto and Uncle Al...I'll definately change it to "may destroy...".
Logged
BETTY
Perhaps the reason I hated Bases
Loaded is that I knew your name.
I'd always heard you had some
talent.

GILLIS
That was last year.  This year
I'm trying to earn a living.

From Sunset Boulevard
uncle_al
Screenwriter-Producer
*****
Posts: 632



View Profile
« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2009, 09:27:52 PM »
Yes, I like throwing in a bit of uncertainty... keeps 'em on their toes, eh?

Cheers!
Al B.
Logged
Now FORTIFIED with BLOG!
http://alexanderfilmworks.wordpress.com/ NEW SITE!

I write for the same reason I breathe - because if I didn't, I would die.
--Isaac Asimov
scripto
Six-Figure Screenwriter
***
Posts: 58


View Profile WWW
« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2009, 12:18:35 AM »
I think that rocks!  Terms like 'Gift of Healing', 'discovers', 'destroy', those are good strong terms/words.

Oh, one quick thing though.  How about 'may also destroy', instead of 'will also destroy'.  That leaves a question to answer.
Logged
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
   
    - Woody Allen
One Mundane Life
New Screenwriter
*
Posts: 17



View Profile
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2009, 11:40:36 PM »
Thank you Scripto.  What if I change Jacob to young man?  So it'll read as follows...

After receiving the Gift of Healing from an angel, a young man soon discovers that his ability to heal will also destroy those closest to him.
Logged
BETTY
Perhaps the reason I hated Bases
Loaded is that I knew your name.
I'd always heard you had some
talent.

GILLIS
That was last year.  This year
I'm trying to earn a living.

From Sunset Boulevard
scripto
Six-Figure Screenwriter
***
Posts: 58


View Profile WWW
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2009, 11:34:50 PM »
Mike, I really like that logline.  I'm not sure I'd change it at all, except for the fact that I've read not to use a character's name in the logline.
Logged
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
   
    - Woody Allen
One Mundane Life
New Screenwriter
*
Posts: 17



View Profile
« on: June 22, 2009, 10:42:19 PM »
After receiving the Gift of Healing from an angel, Jacob soon discovers that his ability to heal will also destroy those closest to him.

I've been writing loglines for several days now and decided I need some feedback and direction.  My aim was to keep them as concise as possible, one line, and I'm finding out that this isn't easy to do.  Please share your thoughts and ideas on this as I'm at a loss.

Thank You,

Mike
Logged
BETTY
Perhaps the reason I hated Bases
Loaded is that I knew your name.
I'd always heard you had some
talent.

GILLIS
That was last year.  This year
I'm trying to earn a living.

From Sunset Boulevard
Pages: [1]
  Print  
« previous next »
 
Jump to:  


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.16 | SMF © 2011, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!

Bad Behavior has blocked 157 access attempts in the last 7 days.