Need help with my query

[slavi111]

Yeah, I love it.

After some minor changes here's what I come up with.

LOG LINE and  ONE PARAGRAPH SUMMARY

1.
A crime writer fights for his life when he becomes the key target of a secret organization bent on taking over the government.

David Hayes is a successful crime writer. Searching for ideas for his next book, he stumbles across a strange story about a secret organization deeply rooted throughout the whole country, trying to take control over the government. Excited by the idea, he starts his new novel almost immediately. Everything seems great until one day the organization appears from out of nowhere. The very knowledge he craved has now made him their key target. Forced to fight for his life David stands alone against a force greater than anything they had ever imagined.




2.
A crime writer losses touch with reality and starts to live in the fictional world of his books where he faces a secret organization trying to take control over the government.

David Hayes, a successful writer of crime fiction, lives isolated from the outside world. Absorbed by the work on his next book about a secret organization trying to take control over the government, he starts to think that the organization really exists. Becoming obsessed by the idea, David starts seeing clues for the organization’s existence everywhere he looks. Gripped by fear and paranoia, he gradually loses touch with reality, starting to live in the world of his books. Before long, the organization appears from out of nowhere and forces David to fight for his life and he stands alone against an unimaginable force.

[ScriptNurse]

How about:

A crime writer fights for his life when he becomes the key target of a secret organization bent on taking over the government.

[slavi111]

Thanks for the crit Don. After some work, here what I've got.



1. A crime writer is forced to fight for his life with a secret organization trying to take control over the government after becoming their key target.


2. Losing touch with reality, a crime writer starts to live in the fictional world of his books where he faces a secret organization trying to take control over the government.




Again, I would love to hear what you think.

[ScriptNurse]

First, your writing is passive ... you do "is-ing" ... as in:

PASSIVE:  He is reading a book.
ACTIVE: He reads a book.

PASSIVE:  David Hayes is a successful writer of crime fiction, living isolated from the outside world.
ACTIVE: David Hayes, a successful writer of crime fiction, lives isolated from the outside world.

PASSIVE:  Absorbed by his work on his next book about a secret organization seeking world domination, he becomes obsessed by the idea that the organization really exists.
This is a bit more delicate and the sentence will likely need to be re-constructed, but the passive part is "becomes obsessed" ... in the movies, either you do things or you do not do things. There's no such thing as "becoming" something.
ACTIVE:  Absorbed by his next book about a secret organization seeking world domination, he obsesses on the idea that the organization really exists.

I might take a stab at this and write it this way:

David Hayes, a successful writer of crime fiction, lives isolated from the outside world. Researching his next book about a secret organization seeking world domination, he obsesses on the idea that the organization really exists. Gripped by fear and paranoia, he retreats from reality into the fantasy world of his books. The organization appears and forces David to fight for his life and he stands alone against an unimaginable force.

I think what's wrong is that there's a leap from obsessing on the idea that something exists to suddenly being gripped by fear and paranoia, with a hint as to why that happens. You'll have to fill in the gap.

What causes him to obsess on the idea that the organization is real? Does he stumble into obscure clues that all lead back to a central point? mCan you remove the "gripped by fear" sentence and still make this work?

[slavi111]

Yeah the story takes place in David's mind.

He has a good life, but he is a dreamer and he dreams something interesting to happen. Something extraordinary, something out of the ordinary life.




Don, can you give me some tip how to make summary more compatible with log line 3. Maybe have to make some modifications on the bolded part below.



4. David Hayes is a successful writer of crime fiction, living isolated from the outside world. Absorbed by his work on his next book about a secret organization seeking world domination, he becomes obsessed by the idea that the organization really exists. Gripped by fear and paranoia, David gradually loses touch with reality, starting to live in the world of his books. Before long, the organization appears from out of nowhere. Forced to fight for his life, he stands against a force beyond his own imagination.

[ScriptNurse]

Logline #3 takes place in a fantasy world and Summary #4 doesn't. (That's how it reads to me.)

What is a little fuzzy is ... Does the story take place in David's mind or in the real world? Is David a modern day Walter Mitty ... imagining a Mission: Impossible life when he's really a correspondence course CPA (almost) working in a dingy  back office processing payments for prepaid funerals?

If he's a successful writer, why is his life so boring and empty?

[slavi111]

The organization feeds the paranoia. It doesn't exist. The hero is so bored with his dull, empty emotional life that he creates the organization in his head (something similar to "Naken lunch").


Don, why you don't think that summary #4 doesn't seem to be an extension of the #3 logline?

[ScriptNurse]

I think you have the greatest opportunity to be creative with Logline #3, where the line between reality and fantasy can be conveniently blurred. I like paragraph summary #4, but it doesn't seem to be an extension of the #3 logline.

Questions ... is the secret organization feeding the paranoia? Are they inducing his lessening grip on reality? Is their M.O. to not kill people but to drive them insane?

[slavi111]

Hi, guys. I really need your help. I'm trying to choose one of the following log lines any one paragraph summaries for my query. Please read them and tell me what you think. Which you like best? ANY criticism (about anything) is welcome. Thanks.


LOG LINES

1. Searching for ideas for his next book, a writer of crime fiction stumbles across a secret organization seeking world domination and is soon confronted with a force beyond his own imagination.

2. A writer of crime fiction discovers that the secret organization seeking world domination from his last book really exists and soon he is confronted with force beyond own imagination.

3. Losing touch with reality, a writer of crime fiction starts to live in the fictional world of his books where he faces a secret organization seeking world domination.

4. Finding out about the existence of a secret organization seeking world domination, a writer of crime fiction is forced to fight for his life against a force beyond his own imagination.
 
   
ONE PARAGRAPH SUMMARIES

1. David Hayes is a successful writer of crime fiction. Searching for ideas for his next book, he stumbles across a strange story about a secret organization deeply rooted throughout the whole country seeking world domination. Excited by the idea, he starts his new novel almost immediately. Everything seems great until one day the organization appears from out of nowhere. Forced to fight for his life, David is confronted with a force beyond his own imagination.


2. David Hayes is a successful writer of crime fiction, living isolated from the outside world. Working on his next book about a secret organization seeking world domination, he becomes obsessed by the idea that the organization really exists. His fears turn to reality when one day the organization appears from out of nowhere. Forced to fight for his life, David is confronted with a force beyond his own imagination.


3. David Hayes is a successful writer of crime fiction. Working on his next book about a secret organization seeking world domination, he becomes conscious that he is writing the work of his own life. Everything seems great until one day David discovers that the organization really exists. Now they are coming for him. Forced to fight for his life, David is confronted with a force beyond his own imagination.


4. David Hayes is a successful writer of crime fiction, living isolated from the outside world. Absorbed by his work on his next book about a secret organization seeking world domination, he becomes obsessed by the idea that the organization really exists. Gripped by fear and paranoia, David gradually loses touch with reality, starting to live in the world of his books. Before long, the organization appears from out of nowhere. Forced to fight for his life, he stands against a force beyond his own imagination.