help with another logline.. one im passionate about.

[T1000]

My 2 cents:

An MMA Fighter Rising to Fame and Fortune now fights to keep his team together.


You dont have to explain His "Youth", or that he's Ambitious. Explain that part in the actual movie.

Dont use: "Sparks Fly when.." or "All hell breaks loose when..." in log lines. I'm not saying you did...I'm just saying, alot of things you can say in the actual movie and log line have to be "Straight to the Point". kinda, "Who, What, Why.

[GuyM]

Don asked "What exactly is a "major promotion?"  Sounds like a fight promoter or a Vince McMahon of MMA." I knew what you meant but I think the term "organization" rather than "promotion" will be better understood by people who get their sports news from sherdog.com! 

[GuyM]

Hadn't been on the site for a while and saw this logline. I'm a former Muay Thai fighter, current BJJ practitioner and MMA fan since '96, so it caught my attention! NutsFor... I'm thinking a little bit of the football film "Any Given Sunday" (Al Pachino, Jamie Fox, Cameron Diaz) when reading your posts. Have you seen it? I appreciate your time frame may be longer than a football season but I am on the right track in seeing your vision? If it was my job to write a film based on your idea I would definitely be breaking down and analyzing Any Given Sunday in terms of its narrative structure and character arcs/relationships.

 

[ScriptNurse]

The short answer is ... no.  There is no discussion of the your fighter's adversary.  Is it a person? Who is he?  What is he?  Cold and ruthless? What life-lesson is learned in the end? Something that alludes to that would be helpful.

What exactly is a "major promotion?"  Sounds like a fight promoter or a Vince McMahon of MMA.

[NutsForGettoBooty50]

ThanksScript. could I ask you a question though? what do you think about my idea anyway. would it interest you? from a producers perspective, lets say you were one, Would this logline jump out at you? would you wanna know more?
just asking, cause i want to make sure its in that league.

[ScriptNurse]

Try this:

An ambitious MMA fighter arrives in Tokyo to fight for a major promotion and confronts obstacles that test his very being before reaching the top of the ranks.

[NutsForGettoBooty50]

how about this?  its shorter but also more exciting and doesnt give out too much information.

A young ambitious MMA fighter arrives in Tokyo to fight for a major promotion before realising that hes in for a long chaotic journey to reach the top of the ranks.

[rnbrewer]

The way I've always understood it is a logline really shouldn't be more than one sentence long. Like Don said, you're diving into act 2 with much of what you've told us. The purpose of the logline is to catch the producers attention. Then, once you have them hooked, you can fill them in on the other details.

Basically, any longer than one or two sentences and you risk devling into "treatment" territory.

[ScriptNurse]

There is no hard and fast rule, but generally the shorter the better.  If it's longer than one breath to say, you really need to think about what you're saying.

This is about an MMA guy becoming a champion.  Everything else is what happens to him along the way (i.e. Act II) ... so:

A guy struggles to become an MMA champion ... (bad stuff happens) ... and in the end he learns it takes discipline and the help of others.

I think you're focused on the visual images you're anticipating the middle of the movie ... the exciting part ... but this is really a story about a guy and how, after all this MMA stuff happens to him, learns a life lesson or two ... he is changed in the end.  People go to movies to see how ordinary people who become extraordinary and handle extraordinary circumstances ... they don't go to see movies about boring people like you and me.

[NutsForGettoBooty50]

Ok thanks. its just ive read in a book that it has to be 25 words.

the term for the type of narative i was trying to think of is "episodic structure". finaly found it.
so basicaly i dont just want it JUST to be about the story of this guy's journey to becoming champion, i want it to be about his observation of other charactors like his brother and team mates, other fighters thus furthering charactor developement on others.  and backstage storys(or sub plots if thats the right term) of what happened during his four years of fighting there(either the main charactor witnessed these storys or heard these storys, it doesnt matter).
so could you help me bring these elements to the logline? or is there a need to?

[uncle_al]

by the way whats the word limit for loglines?

There's no strict word limit... the rule of thumb I've been told to go by (check me on this, Don?) is how much you can say in one breath.
How about this?
"A young up-and-coming MMA fighter rises in the ranks of a top Japanese promotion, despite the pressure of sex, fame, and his out-of-control brother."

[NutsForGettoBooty50]

an account of a young, ambitious MMA fighter's four year 'rock-star style' journey, rising the ranks of a top Japanese promotion. The pressure braught by girls, fame and his out-of-control half brother team mate, slows him down but also teaches him the value of dicipline and team work.

does that sound better?
or how about

An account of a young MMA fighters four year 'rock -star style' journey, rising the ranks of a top Japanese promotion. The pressure braught by girls, fame and his out-of-control half brother team mate, slow him down but he is also confronted by his dark past.

[ScriptNurse]

Dump the "along the way" part ... they'll get that when they read the script.

Focus on your protagonist and what happens to him, especially at the end ... what does he learn about himself as a result of his journey? Why should we care about him?  Also, try us with a concept we're familiar with ... Bruce Lee meets Jackie Chan ... obviously that's not it, but you get the idea.

[NutsForGettoBooty50]

ok, im glad you told me the truth. but the funny thing is, its not what im trying to go for..

the kind of film im going for is a multi layered story about a mixed martial arts fighter's four year journey(think of the kind of story pacing of goodfellas/ casino/city of god) rising the ranks of a top japanese mma organisation (loosely based on Pride FC). and the struggles he deals with along the way with his out-of-control mma team. one of them being his older half-brother, whos got serious aggresion problems and is generaly lacking in focus compared to his younger brother. other problems he has are the distractions of sex, fame and fortune.  alot of the storys and happenings that happen in the film are going to be based on back stage storys of pride. but in general its a complete fabrication. one thing im not going for is your cheesy rocky/karate kid  type of story. i want to try something different.
what im having problems with is incorporating these elements(as much as i can) into a logline.

what about something like: "a about a young, ambitious MMA fighter's four year 'rock-star style' journey, rising the ranks of a top Japanese promotion. Along the way, the pressure braught by girls, fame and his out-of-control half brother team mate, slows him down."
does that make it more engaging?  do you think it works for producers?(not that it would deffinetly make them turn the page.)

by the way whats the word limit for loglines?

[uncle_al]

Thanks, what do you think of it in general? does the idea interst you?

I'll be frank...
{No, you're Al!}
Sorry.
The idea sounds like something I saw in a grindhouse marathon on overnight cable movie channels in the '80's...
like Force Five or some of those chop-socky cheapos from Hong Kong with has-beens or wanna-bes in the lead roles.
Not exactly what I go to see.
You want honest, you got honest.
Al B.