This is the first draft of my first screenplay

[aj1981]

ty for detailed response. this is from long time ago. i posted a more recent script in this forum.

[talentedwriter]

If I may humbly submit, there are a few very obvious flaws in the first opening pages itself. This will be very hard for anyone reading to overlook, immediately. Most of the story readers get distracted by too much information or too little information. It has to be germain to the story-plot and also of the right pace or pacing, if I may say so.

When I first met a great Music Composer who has composed film music since the days of SAM RAIMI's "Evil Dead" sequels in the early eighties, Chris Young (the amazing composer, who has scored for several great flicks) told me one thing "The entire movie industry sees the flow of the movie in their head with the sound of the CLICK". This is something, we Screenwriters or composers must always bear in our minds when we write -- either a Screenplay or a Song or a sound track for any visuals on the screen.

For example from your Script here:
You have written:
Randi drops her bags the minute she enters the room --
Wouldn't it seem better as a "Visually seen sequence" if you state:
"Randi enters to room. She drops her rain soaked bag on the carpet, on second thoughts picks it up and places it on a wooden shelf.

Then, you write about " Front room, Computer and Internet browsing". All this is not going to move the plot at all, unless the movie is about that -- Internet, Browsing and FRONT Room vs Back room.

Once the actor has entered the house they won't discern much from your script about "Which part of the house (room) they are in, unless you specifically want them to be in a certain spot".
Or, you don't want them to be in a certain spot for some reason, which must be revealed either immediately after or at least somewhere down the line from this scene in question.

Similarly, the expressions like
She "Hops" on the computer. No, one doesn't "Hop" on a computer, one surely hops in flights, on pillion ride with a motorcyclist or a train/bus etc. But "Hopping" on a computer is never heard of. Unless you are writing a COMEDY SERIES.
"Fistful of classroom students" That seems pretty much odd to even me, who speaks nine different dialects other than English. Again with, "She's mute and wears a blank expression". Both of these mean the same thing, don't they?
"She pulls up the internet" -- No, one doesn't "Pull up" the internet. One directly gets on the internet or "Browses". We don't need two different expressions telling us of the same action by one actor, this is called wasting the pages.

I hope this helps. Sincerely.
J.R.

[aj1981]

Thank you, Don.

[ScriptNurse]

With this story, it might have been more helpful to know the initial setup of the first 15-20 pages.

Always introduce characters before they speak if they are present in the scene (i.e. not a voice over or off-camera).

Rather than "ethnicities and eccentricities" I'd say a "diverse bunch of oddballs" or something like that.  The alliteration of the two hard-to-pronounce E-words is a real tongue-twister.

"50ft" should be written out ... fifty foot ... same for time ... dollar amounts.  Just about the only terms you don't have to spell out are "Mr., "Mrs." and "Ms."

Drop the CONT'D and CUT TO: as they're not normally used in spec scripts.

Page 4:  "Randi joins them; although, she feels like a social outcast, and it is written all over her face."

... and this:  "No one’s dressed in their Sunday’s best because it is a casual affair. However, Randi is overdressed for the occasion because this is the first time she’s been to a church in ages." I would take a different approach:

INT. CHURCH - EVENING

Randi steps through the door expensively dressed to the nines.

The sparsely furnished meeting room has a big table in the center where PARISHIONERS of very modest means gather to read from well-worn Bibles. Standing, the PREACHER stops, frozen.

They all turn and gaze at her blankly, mouths agape.

Randi looks around self-consciously.

The Preacher motions for her to sit with the others.

All eyes follow her as she sits.

... and the preacher goes on with this fire and brimstone speech.  Notice the separate "shots" called out here.  They're barely seconds long, but tell the same scene visually.

Here's a suggestion ... get a group of actors together and give them scripts in advance so they can be familiar with it ... maybe 20-30 pages ... give each a part and to a table reading of a block of the script.  Do it twice ... once so you can observe them reading the script as you listen and once so you can close your eyes and just hear the dialogue.  Things that aren't right should pop-out at you.  I would record it so you can play it back later and make notes.

[aj1981]

Attached is 11 pages from the second act. It is the first draft. I just wanted other well-established writers to tell me how I am doing so far and what changes I could make.

AJ