*NEW PAGES* Am I funny?

[aj1981]

I am making a lot of these adjustments to my script. Thanks for the fine critique. I'll re-post the results.

[ScriptNurse]

You can wring more out of this:

She snaps around and locks eyes with SOPHIA MENDEZ, 24, sexy in a low-cut blouse and tight mini-skirt, the fair-haired junior recruiter leans against a large conference table with a smirk on her face, coffee mug in hand.

By adding little details like:

She snaps around and locks eyes with SOPHIA MENDEZ, 24, broadcasting sex in a low-cut blouse and tight mini-skirt, the redheaded junior recruiter leans against a large conference table with a smirk on her face, holding a coffee mug that reads: "I AM the Queen".

I'm sure you can come up with a better inscription for the coffee mug.

[aj1981]

Thank you, Don, for your forum, feedback and expertise. I will no longer try to hold a civilized conversation with a bunch of psychotic lunatics (aka another forum). I really appreciate what you do here. I hope everything's going good with your negotiations. Good luck.

[ScriptNurse]

PAGE 1

Rather than "middle age", I would specify something like "40s".

"Upon entering the building, Randi collides with TIM STOKES (late 50s), her long-term, obnoxious boss."

There are several things I would look at here:

• "Upon entering the building" feels very awkward. Maybe: "Rushing through the door, she collides with TIM STOKES, late 50s, balding and paunchy.
• "her long-term, obnoxious boss" -- this cannot be photographed.

Randi's line could be reduced to:  "Sorry" from the 7 words you have there before she exhales.

If Tim is obnoxious, give him more obnoxious dialogue; he's too proper.

Does Tim have any quirks?  Retired Marine Corps major?  Runs the office like a military operation?

Why does an obviously poor performer have an office with a bay window?

Have her coming in a flopping down in her chair.

The action description seems bloated with unnecessary words that detract from the colorful description you have here and there. Like:

PAGE 2

"That’s when she looks down" ... get to it:  "She looks down,"

This paragraph:

"She swirls around and locks eyes with her competition, SOPHIA  MENDEZ (24), an up-and-coming, fair-haired junior recruiter with loads of sex appeal."

How do we know she has competition?  We don't.  Here's what can be photographed:

"She snaps around and locks eyes with SOPHIA MENDEZ, 24, sexy in a low-cut blouse and tight mini-skirt, the fair-haired junior recruiter leans against a large conference table with a smirk on her face, coffee mug in hand."

You might have a little dialogue to establish they are competitive before Tim comes in.

[aj1981]

I am trying to write a comedy. Here are the first two pages. Am I funny? Does script look good, professional? Or amateurish and wordy? Mind you, I still haven't come up with office name, so the headings on the first two scenes aren't formatted properly. Other than that, what do you think? How is my grammar and spelling? Are these scenes funny or lame? What can I do to improve? Thanks for your time and opinions.