Logline:

[ScriptNurse]

THE MOUSE THAT ROARED is a charming film about the Grand Duchy of Fenwick that attacks the United States in order to get their foreign aid and solve the country's financial woes. Poor joke. My apologies to everyone.

Yes, of course. We are here to share our thoughts and support each other's efforts.

[blackeyes]

What is that supposed to mea Scriptnursen?

Isn't this forum to talk to, and ask questions of writers?

black eyes

[ScriptNurse]

I long for the likes of The Mouse That Roared{/b}.

[blackeyes]

"1. A small Middle-Eastern nation assaults the United States with biological weapons to nullify a perceived American threat." etc...

Why use the tiered stereotype of the renegade country insane enough to attack the US? Any such attack would create far more reprisals than the damage of it. North Korea would be more apt to do such, or would have five years ago.
Someone in the US couls do it easier than some small country. why not a domestic threat. Many car chases and computers, inter-agencies, etc. Easier to shoot and produce.

black eyes

[blackeyes]

"The father of a brutally raped and murder girl hired an assassin to take revenge, unaware that the sexual assaulter is the son of a drugs baron"

Why are we to assume that the girls father would know where and how to hire an assassin?

Why is a 'Drug Lord' needed as a plot device? What difference would that make to the act or murder or create action after the act?

black eyes

[ScriptNurse]

Well, let's see ... we need the WHO, WHAT, WHY, WHEN and HOW THE CONFLICT DEVELOPS ...

WHO: The father of a brutally raped and murdered girl
WHAT: hires an assassin
WHY: to take revenge,
CONFLICT: unaware that the sexual assaulter is the son of a drugs baron.

To the last one, ask the question:  SO? This can go a number of ways with all of the twists and turns of a roller coaster. Let's get some of that in there! Is there something about the assassin that's not what we'd think? Did he hire the assaulter himself?... One of the drug dealer's men?... An alcholic has-been hit man with a grudge to settle?

WHAT'S THE "HIGH CONCEPT?" THE MECHANIC meets THE GODFATHER? How about some more?

[diplo]

Logline:

The father of a brutally raped and murder girl hired an assassin to take revenge, unaware that the sexual assaulter is the son of a drugs baron



i would like to know what you think  about this one, i try to put my screenplay  into one sentence.

[ScriptNurse]

So far, I like the first one best. You can say it in one breath.

Anyone else with thoughts?

[robogabs]

Hm-m-m. Got me thinking, Don. And it's way too early for this (2:34 am).

1. A small Middle-Eastern nation assaults the United States with biological weapons to nullify a perceived American threat.

2. A small Middle-Eastern nation assaults American soil with unexpected weapons and devastating consequences to stultify the president's saber-rattling.

3. A small Middle-Eastern nation assaults the United States with biological weapons to pre-empt a perceived American threat. (7:20 pm - a much better hour to think! )

[ScriptNurse]

I think I would remove the name of the "country" here and replace it with "it" instead. The reader will learn about it soon enough.

Think about this ... as I start to read the logline, it tells me this is a story about the rattling of the cage of a middle-eastern country by the American President, but I doubt THAT is what the substance is about ... am I right? Put another way, "cage rattling" is weak ... the U.S. being attacked is STRONG ... but that occurs waaaaay down at the end of the sentence. Flip the whole thing around: "The U.S. is attacked/bombed/nuked/gassed (whatever) by a middle-eastern warmonger because ______________." The point is: start off as strong as you can and leave out any unnecessary details.

Try it just for fun to see what variations you can come up with.

[robogabs]

Logline: The American President rattles the cage of a small Middle-Eastern nation with apparent impunity until Azyriastan retaliates pre-emptively. . .  with devastating consequences.

I would like to know how you feel about this one, Don. My goal was to pack as much information and "tease" from my new screenplay  into one sentence as possible.
Is it my imagination or did I see a contest for loglines the other day within the site? 
Yours truly,
Robogabs