Logline - "Signature Of The Artist"

[ScriptNurse]

This is completely a gut reaction and impulse, so take it as my knee-jerk impression.

"You Promised To Love Me" implies that that would have been said by the central character. If that's true, he doesn't need to be killed, so that was confusing to me.

It sounds like something Zack on "Desperate Housewives" would say. He's a little nerdy, geeky, troubled. In my head, I see such a guy thrown over the edge by some event (scorned by the "girlfriend" he loves but who has never loved him?). What happens when he goes over the edge? Dunno ... killing spree (not that that hasn't been done to death) ... stalks her ... other ideas?

Like I said ... initial impressions.

[rednael]

Good morning to you.

Please, no offense taken and I am sure none was meant.

I am here to learn (as well as to see what the world is writing about). I have thick skin when it comes to these matters. No harm done and lesson received (smile).

Let me try this one for "You Promised To Love Me".

"He wasn't perfect, but he loved deeply. Yet, he died violently. There were many that could have pulled the trigger. Family pain runs deeply as well. But, he may not have been the target."

How's that for a start?

I appreciate your time and expertise.

Thank you.

Lee Beatty

[ScriptNurse]

Perhaps I should have worded my earlier reply a little differently. It's okay to ask a question, but a logline consisting of a string of questions isn't likely to fly.

[rednael]

Addem:

I also want to add that I am not being flippant in my response. I am new to this game, green as a pool table and twice as square, so any and all advice and/or criticism is welcome. I consider every response and review as an education. Thus, I hope not to offend anyone with my responses, even if they may come off as smart aleck (smile). Thanks.

[rednael]

Gentlemen,

I appreciate your responses. I am still learning. I presented what sounded like a good idea at the time. but I presented it at this forum because I know ScriptNurse and (perhaps) others have insight into what may or may not work.

In not way was this mean to be offensive and/or stereotypical.

I find it interesting how people's minds work at times. We see the same things, but we "read" differently. Interesting.

I presented a "ghetto" representation because that's what I know, that's where the story is based and that's where the characters and victims were from. "Signature Of The Artist" is based on a true story of someone that preyed on women for a long time. In the world where the story takes place, many things occur but eyes are often closed and lips tight when they happen. But, the crimes were no less horrible. The story comes to light when it hits close to home for one particular family.

But again, I present here, as this is a forum for learning and sharing. My apologies to any that are offended.

[blackeyes]

I was just trying to get at why the writer was proposing a concept in that way?

I assumed this is a forum to present ans discuss ideas and approaches. I'm writing and I was reacting to what was posted for informational purposes.

I thought a writer should have the answers to the questions he is asking. It just presented stereotype problems to me. Just questions.

[ScriptNurse]

Why are you asking all these questions? The reader doesn't have the answers, you do. What would the logline be if you weren't asking questions?

[blackeyes]

What ghetto was he in and why would that cause murder?

Is he black from a New York ghetto?
Is he white from a Philadelphia or Boston poor area?

Why the connection wirh a "gheoot"? Plenty of murderers in the countryside of every State.

You lay no coundation in this description for the location.

black eyes

[rednael]

Good afternoon.

Here is a new logline for review. Please let me know what you think.

Title - "You Promised Me Love"
Genre - Mystery
Author: Leander Beatty Jr


What he in the wrong place at the wrong time? Was he set up? Why did he die so violently? He only knew love, but hatred took his life. Who killed him? Why?

[rednael]

Title” “Signature Of The Artist”
Author: Leander Beatty Jr.
Genre: Fiction/Drama
Synopsis: He’s been in the ghetto for years, and because we’ve ignored him, the “Artist” has struck, painting a horrible picture of rape and murder. A monster of a story. The story of a monster.