First Romance Scene need so help to make it better

[forestguardian2007]

 I'm 21 years young, and want to create the greatest story ever told (that's why I ask so many questions lol).

 I'm trying to create something new and fresh so I'm creating my own world using the ashes of mankinds destruction to form there culture and history around. I've created a short version of the history, background stories for all the characters, there own beliefs and rituals (the trails beginning one of them), and even there own (writen) language that I will incorporate through out the story.

THis is almost 3 years of character development, story evolution, and alot of research so I don't want to drop the ball now.
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This is the first chapter of Trials of the Guardian a 8 part mini series that will set the stage for the bigger series Hania the Last Guardian.

The story is to complex (in my head) to only do a movie.   

This first script is an experiment for the pilot episode of this animated series.

I plan on making a kind of an inner voice for the characters so they can speak what is on there mind to the people watching the show so they will know alittle more about the characters way of thinking so they seem more like a person. Animal characters are alittle harder because people think of them as only animals so I want to break the person watching the show away from that idea. Like in Bambi yes you know that Bambi can talk, has freinds and relationships with others. But in most articals I have seen they still refer to him as an animal. I want people to look at my characters and say that is Hania or that is Yamka not just a deer.
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I do have one more main question:

I would love to know how to make flashback, memory's, and vision scenes seem more natural?

I know my vision scene in this chapter was kind of unexpected, and I plan to have a few more in the future.

Thanks alot for all of your help so far is much appreciated.   

here are some basic drawing of the main characters.

Hania, Dyani-



Yamka, Elu-



Helushka, Makya-



Thanks alot for all of your help so far is much appreciated.   

[ScriptNurse]

Interesting. I would like to know ... how old are you?

For these first 29 pages ... is this a "script" format from your point of view? How much of the complete story do these 29 pages cover?

There's considerable information on these pages that cannot be photographed, like definitions of places, what characters want or think. How do you plan to handle that since a movie format consists of only character dialogue and visual action description?

This is a very inventive story where you've created a whole world from scratch. I commend you for that.

[forestguardian2007]

Thank you I will not loss sight of that it is the driving point of my story.

 Is there anyway you would take alook at the first chapter of my story.

If so here it is (being edited by my teacher so sorry about grammar and spelling problems):

http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Chapter%201.doc

I have gotten more help from you guys than anywhere else and I thank you for this

[ScriptNurse]

Yamka’s past will lead Hania to his future. Hania’s strength will lead Yamka to her past.

Don't lose sight of this axiom. If you do, the audience will become confused. The importance of Yamka's past and Hania's strength will need to be demonstrated early on in the story. Disney often uses other characters to bring out these sorts of points. Sebastian the Crab serves this purpose in THE LITTLE MERMAID.

[forestguardian2007]

In my story I have two main characters along with a history and storys to go with them. I'm telling both there story's and there is a reason for this. Near the end of the story the reason will become clear.

Character history (sorry lol)-

 Hania and Yamka grow up together in the village of Topanga. Hania was born in the village, Yamka rescued by his father after her mother and father where killed in a raid. Yamka was given her name by Enupay after seeing a budding flower still growing in the burned out center of the village. Her name means Yamka (Budding Flower), Elu (full of grace). Hania and Yamka first met the day after the attack they where only infants at the time but became great friends.

As first born Hania is destined to become a guardian like his father.

Yamka struggles to find answers about her family and past.

After his family’s death Hania will be forever changed and with there departure Yamka receives a gift from the spirits. She is given the ability to sense and feel everything Hania feels. This allows her to help him through the darkest time in his life and hopefully save there world.   

Yamka’s past will lead Hania to his future. Hania’s strength will lead Yamka to her past

sorry for not being to detailed I'm trying to get a copyright for this so don't want to say to much untill I get the story protected.

[ScriptNurse]

Of these two friends ... one of these is the main character?

It is always better (in my opinion) to avoid narration and to "just start the story."

[forestguardian2007]

I tryed to put it in to 1 sentence-

In a post apocalyptic world 2 friends struggle to overcome there enemy’s physically and mentally to save there world and the ones they once loved.

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 I'm trying to use my main characters to tell the story upto the end of this first series. But am thinking of changing that.

Would it be better to just drop to narration and just start the story? 

[ScriptNurse]

The format is irrelevant if you are going to make this film yourself -- BUT -- you do need to have a workable format of some sort to keep you organized throughout the entire production process. So, the focus (as always) is on the story. If the story is weak, your film will be boring, plain and simple.

TWO RULES YOU MUST FOLLOW:

1. Show as much as possible.
2. Say as little as possible.

The sample you provided above is all talk, talk, talk ... and you are talking about things that can be seen. Separate them. If you are showing it, you don't need to talk about it too. For example, if your character is batting its eyes at another character, it's not necessary to have the character say "I like you." That's obvious. When you say what you are showing, you insult the intelligence of the viewer by, in effect, saying "You are so dumb that I have to show you AND tell you this." I wouldn't recommend doing that.

KEEP IT SIMPLE! Animation themes tend to be very simple to understand. Yours is starting to sound like a Tolkien novel. All of the complication is "coloring" to the underlying story. Never, ever lose sight of the underlying theme of the story. Your viewer will get lost and lose track of where the story is going.

Let me ask you:

In a single sentence, what is this story about?
Why do you have a Narrator? Can't the story be told by the characters themselves?

The reason we're doing all of this now is that once you begin creating this film, you're going to spend countless hours bringing it to life. It takes just as much work to create a boring film as it does to tell an amazing story. I think you'd like to be confident that you're closer to the later than the former ... in other words, we all want YOU to be a success. That's one reason we're pretty frank when it comes to our opinions here. Everyone on this site is rooting for you. We want you to do the best work you can possibly do.

[forestguardian2007]

 

 So my problem is the format or is it the story to?

If you would like to read it here is the chapter that went alon with this scene:

http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Chapter%20One-%20Childhoods%20Final%20Days%20unedited%20final%20draft.doc

 The goal I set for this script is to animate and tell the story myself if I can. I feel if I sell the script to someone else and they make it most of the story meaning, depth and feeling will be lost or changed.

[LloJo]

My first advice would be to procure a good screenwriting program, such as Celtx, Final Draft, or my favorite, ScreenForge. You won't get any attention at all with your present format.
There is a free version of Celtx that can be found further down right here in ScriptNurse. Final Draft is probably the Top Dawg, but costs. Screenforge will let you use their program for free, for as long as you need to practice, then it's extremely reasonable. (45 bucks)
You need a good formatting program.
As Al says, "Hollywood has no rules, and they're strictly enforced."
Lloyd

[forestguardian2007]

 
 Thanks alot for the feed back I'm reworking the scene right now. Most of the dialogue that is not put as a narration are only there as an aid so the since can be drawn right. I'm also the animator at this time anyways so was trying to record what the scene felt like when I was writing it so I can bring out the emotion of the script in the animation.

Thanks alot your comments are really helpful, I'm very bad at criting this story it is my own so thank I got hooked on it lol.

[ScriptNurse]

My first reaction is ... the is VERY wordy. Would you sit in a theatre and be read to? That's not what movies do. Movies ... move. I would rewrite this one scene as an experiment.

First, divide the page into 2 columns, one for the visual and the other for the dialogue. Much of the dialogue and narration contain descriptions. Remove the description and put it in the visual column. Put the dialogue in the dialogue column opposite visual that goes with it. Tighten up the dialogue ... go here: http://scriptnurse.com/wcms/index.php?dialogue for tips.

Examine whether all of this narration is necessary. Just show it instead. It'll be far more interesting.

Set it aside.

Rent Disney's BAMBI and see how they do it. They invented this art form and do it (or used to) better than anyone else. You will see little scenes where characters do innocent things to build empathy (make them likable) and express their feelings toward one another.

Review what you set aside and see if it can be tweaked better.

If this doesn't work, it's time to consider if this is suitable material for a movie. It might be better as a novel and probably easier to sell.

[forestguardian2007]

 As the title reads this is my first romance scene I have written could use some advice.

Well here is there scene Im working on:

Scene 9-

Narration- Yamka had dreamed of seeing Algoma one day. She could not believe that she was finally here. She pranced around the fields like see was a young fawn again, the wind in her hair, the sun over the flowers of every color and shade paving the landscape, and there combined scents rushing into her nose it was like nothing she had ever experienced. She was happier now than she had ever been in her life and it was all because we let her come along.

 As father set up the training ground I went over to sit on a large rock over looking prairie this place was like nothing I had ever seen.

Hania- Now I can see why she wanted to come here so badly.

 Narration- Looking out over Algoma I see how truly special this place really is. The colors, the smells, and but best of all I was there with her. At that moment I noticed Yamka playing in the flowers by the River. I could not take my eyes off her. The sun glimmering off her long golden hair, the landscape of beauty that seem like only a reflection of hers, and the way she moved and laughed I had never seen her like this. There was something different about her. It was than began to feel something in side of me that was never there before.

Hania- what is wrong with me. It is just Yamka I have seen her happy before.
Hania (thinking to himself) - I feel so happy, lightheaded, and why can’t I stop looking at her?

Narration (Yamka)- I didn’t notice him starring at me until I was standing on a small rock next to the river. I could now see how intently he was looking at me as if he was looking into my very soul.

Yamka (thinking to herself) - Why is he looking at me like that?
Enupay- Catch! (He yelled)

Narration- I was to distracted by all the scenery to notice that father had thrown me the spear.

Enupay- Son look out!
Hania- What! (Turned his head just in time to see the spear)

 Hitting him on the head. The spear bounded off his head and landed on the ground next to him.
 
Hania- Ouch! Why must everything hit me in the freaken head! (saying in anger at his luck and fast as well)
Yamka- (Giggle)
Enupay- Next time move out of the way and you won’t get hit! (Starting to laugh to)
Hania- Yes Father. Sigh….

  Narration (Hania)- As I bent over to pick up the spear that father kindly through to me. I noticed that Yamka was starring at me (still trying to figure out what Hania was starring at her for) All he could do was look back into her eyes. For the first time he could see her green glittering eyes, her golden hair like silk waving in the breeze, the only thing he could do was put his hand up and wave.

Yamka (thinking to herself) – O no he saw me! What do I do! What do I do!

 Narration (Yamka)- Startled by his sudden movement and my confusion I lost my balance and fell.

(Splash) She was now in the water Hania seeing what just happened and started running to her aid.

Narration (Hania)-  I ran faster at that moment that I ever thought I could. As I got closer to the water I tripped over a small branch on the ground sending me tumbling into the water as well.

Hania (thinking to himself) – I can’t believe that just happened.

 Narration (Yamka)- As Hania rose his head out of the water his fur was sagging and heavy from being wet. Filling me will warm feelings. I had never seen Hania like this before.

Yamka (thinking to herself) – Why do I feel like this? I feel strange but what could be causing it?

Hania finally regain his balance in the water after several failed attempts to stand. Now standing straight out of the water he could hear Yamka still laughing at him a few yards down stream. Yamka started to feel that strange feeling return as Hania got closer. She could see his thick black hair now shinning in the sun light, the water dripping from his body, and the way his face looked with a little smile of embarrassment on his face the only thing she could think to do was start to giggle.

Hania- What is so funny Yamka? How’s the water over there?
Yamka- (she started to giggle) could… Could you please?
Hania- O… So now you want to get out of the water do we?
Yamka- Yes please…

And with one quick pull Yamka was on her hooves again. But she was now face to face with Hania and the feelings inside of her grow stronger than ever.

Hania- Are you ok Yamka (He said with a kind caring voice)
Yamka- Yes… I’m ok just a little wet (they both start to laugh again)
Hania- Well I’m glad… very glad. I don’t know if I could live with myself if you got hurt.

She could not respond. The only thing she could do was stare in to his black glowing eyes, she could not understand what was happening to her she knew this buck almost from birth but now he seemed so different to her. He starred back into her blue sparkling eyes and felt a strange need to touch her. He raped his arms around her softy as not to startle her. He could now feel how soft her fur was and see now nice her hair looked up close for the first time. He could feel his heart racing. Hania did not know where to go from here all he could do was stand there with Yamka in his arms. With a small act of passion Yamka kissed Hania on the cheek. Startled by her kiss he let go of Yamka, slipped on the grass and fell back into the water. He felt like a spirit dancing on the clouds. If it where not for the water he would most likely fly away. This time it was Yamka to help her fallen friend out of the water. Quickly stepping away knowing what she had just done. Yamka stood on shore blushing so hard Hania could see it through her light brown fur. He walked back up to her still not knowing what just happened or why. But he did know it made him feel happy. Happier than he has ever been. He walked back up to her putting his soft hands on each side on her face now looking deep into her eyes.

 With all the static and anticipation in the air Yamka did what came natural to her. (Thump)  him on the top of the head.

 But instead of stopping him the jolt to the head joined them together. Not saying a word letting there eyes and emotions speak the words that nether of they could say. Hania could not hold back the strange felling any longer moving his head closer to her kissing her for the first time.

Yamka (thinking to herself) – I don’t know why, but I want this, I always have (closing her eyes slowly as Hania move’s his face closer)

 
 Locked in each others arms and engulfed in there first true kiss they both never wanted it to end but where interrupted by a voice in the distance.

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Is there anything you would change about this scene or add to it?

Is it to cheesy?

Could you offer any advice for this kind of scene? (will be the first of many)