Angels and Devils

[seansshack]

Thanks,

Fixed 'em.

"You also have a tendency to "telegraph" what's coming." is this in relation to this piece or other I entered?

Think a lot of this issue is due the fact the first draft was a basic revenge piece with too much voice over. The story was of a father and his vengeance on the killer nothing else. But anyone who read it wanted a twist, so I rebuilt it. Perhaps some of the old story stuck.

[ScriptNurse]

This is much better ... less clutter and more impact, but ...

• There's a misspelled word in the first sentence.
• Incorrect use of your/you're on pg 7
• "Sceane" is misspelled on pg 14

You also have a tendency to "telegraph" what's coming. For example, it's not necessary that he say he wants vengeance, his actions are telling us he does. Where possible, let the visual do the work ... or the Hollywood axiom: "Show it, don't say it."

[seansshack]

This is one of the shorts I entered into this years competition. But was plagued with formatting errors, camera angels and basic mistakes.

This was due to the fact it was set to be filmed, was even started then halted, planned again etc etc. Which meant it was ripped apart, added to, included shooting insert etc.

So I went back. Ripped it back to the basic story and (hopefully) fixed the issues contained.

Would be interested to see what people here think of it (if you have the time)