THE PITCH...

[uncle_al]

Sounds like a plan to me.

I like the "first 20" suggestion... that way, if it doesn't hook you by the end of that approximate sixth, you've got comment hooks to respond to; if you just can't wait to read more, you can expedite an email craving this boon.

Hey, maybe I did have too much blueberry pie after Christmas dinner...

Cheers!

Al B.

[ScriptNurse]

Of course, you may. I would convert it into a PDF (password protected) and attach it with your post. Alternatively, create a post that asks anyone interested to email you and you'll send it to them via email — that way you'll know who has seen it ... OR ... you can PDF up the first 20 pages and ask them to email you for the rest if interested.

[rednael]

Good morning, one and all.

I pray that all of you are having an excellent holiday season.

I have a question.

The script for that long-awaited, ten Oscar award winning, 15 Golden Globe award winning jewel known as "Alive, Alaska" (how's that for self-promotion (smile)?) is complete.

Please tell me if I can download a copy to this site for review and critique? I really appreciate this site as a source for valuable screenwriting information, and I highly value the advice (positive and negative_ from your many members.

I thank you for your time and I await your response.

God bless you always,

Lee Beatty

[rednael]

Good evening to you, Head Nurse.

With Roland, the complications begin when he first arrives in Alaska.

Courtesy of Sly, he is watched often, to make sure he doesn't "get into trouble" However, the person doing the watching resents the fact that he was even asked to monitor some Black man from Brooklyn, so he is less than diligent about these duties. But, when Roland arrives at "Alive, Alaska" (which is also where the "watcher" resides, and has so since he and a cohort suddenly disappeared over twenty-five years ago), the watcher confronts him, in an attempt to run him off of the property. Roland stands his ground, however, and even convinces this long missing UNION MAN that he is far too old to be taken seriously, and may end up in traction if he continues (smile).

It seems like a cake walk after that. The fishing is fantastic, Roland meets the stunning Norma Jean, and he has even been offered a job and residency by a former Aviator and Movie Mogul that allegedly died under auspicious circumstances.

The last half of the book is (already) dedicated to "what to do", how long can I wait, what will they think of me and most importantly, WWSD, or "What Will Sly Do"? After all, he has already warned Roland that no matter how much he likes him, the residents of "Alive, Alaska" are special to him, and he will do ANYTHING to keep their lives secret. Put a mob style emphasis on "Anything".

I have looked at numerous movies over the years, especially the last few. It appears that the biggest (and best) movies out there lately are family oriented. That is exactly what this movie was designed to be. There is no profanity, violence only in the "comic" sense, even the talk of suicide is handled with tact and sensitivity, no sex or sexual "surprises", just a strong-plotted, feel good movie. Also, the premise is different. I have researched for several years and there has not (to my knowledge) been a movie with an African-American protagonist dealing with the issues of life, only to find himself coping with the possibilities of untold wealth, albeit at the expense of some well-hidden, long dead/missing faces. I am also sure that moviegoers will be pleasantly surprised at the familiar souls that reappear after so many years deceased.

I am an optimist, but I am also a believer. I have been told by many people that have read this book (including several publishers that decided not to publish ) that this sounds, feels and should be a movie. I totally agree.

Thank you.

[ScriptNurse]

Sounds like fun!

So ... Where do the complications come in? It looks to me that those begin after Roland's walk with Norma Jean. That's the end of Act I ... we're on page 25 or so.

Can you make "What to do? What to do?" last 50 pages?

Tell me why you see this as a movie and not a novel?

[rednael]

Good afternoon, Head Nurse, and thank you for your reply. As always, you are insightful and knowledgeable.

Roland begins to change upon his return from the Catskills. After his heroic rescue, he is still determined to end his life. As with many people that (unfortunately) committ suicide, Roland is suddenly "at peace" with himself and with the world.

This change of personality does not go unnoticed by his supervisor, long an adversary of Roland's. WALTER MILLS decides to "reach out" to Roland, to stop him from making a fatal mistake. Walter has lost someone close to him in the past by suicide. He saw the changes, but he ignored them. Walter has lived with that guilt for quite a while, and he is determined not to let that happen again.

What follows is two long time enemies become fast friends and confidantes.

Roland is feeling quite good after a while, courtesy of this turn of events, as well as the new, improved relations with his co-workers. It is here where SYLVESTER "SLY GUY" WRIGHT, self-professed "Travel Agent To The Stars" reappears in Roland's life. Sly is the suicidal gentleman that Roland rescued in the Catskill Mountain. It will take a night out with Sly for Roland to see the benefits of that rescue. Sly is no longer drinking, slimmer by close to sixty pounds, also blessed with a new outlook on life, and totally bent on rewarding the man that saved his life.

The result of that night is yet another lifelong friendship, and an all expense paid trip to Alaska.

When Roland accidentally stumbles at "Alive, Alaska", all he has on his mind is fishing and the experience of a lifetime. Despite meeting some rather strange characters, Roland is so at peace that he truly wishes this could be his home forever. He tries not to think of his paycheck-to-paycheck status, but he knows that, one day, he has to go home again, and back to reality.

That is, until a gravelly voiced, former television junkman that is SUPPOSED to be deceased waddles up to him and his companion, a beautiful "Alive, Alaska" resident by the name of NORMA JEAN.

I think I'm telling too much of the story, huh (smile)? I can't help it. It's an exciting idea, original (I believe), and certainly worthy of production as a movie.

When Roland meets the junkman, a light suddenly comes on in his mind. Suddenly, he realizes why everyone looks so familiar. Now he has the answer to his poverty. As Johnny Cochran once shouted, "this is a blockbuster!".

But, can he really do this? These may be the nicest people in the world. Norma has walked with Roland for most of the day before even realizing that he's African-American. This is truly paradise. Can he actually destroy this place and these people with his lust for wealth?

To put it mildly, he is tossed in his mind. He wants money and riches, he values peace and quiet, he desires more than anything else in the world to be liked, maybe loved, and respected.

What to do? What to do?

Let's just say that the answer won't lead to "Heartbreak Hotel". There is no "Jailhouse Rock" in this tale of human frailty and the search for happiness. It is an ending that will leave everyone with a smile on their face and maybe a tear in their eyes.

That's "Alive, Alaska". A place where dreams do come true.

Too much? I hope not. I hope I've answered your question as well.

Thanks for any advice you may have to offer.

Lee Beatty

[ScriptNurse]

Thi strikes me as a very clever conecpt. Sort of SHANGRI-LA meets SIXTH SENSE. What you didn't mention is how Roland is changed ... how his character changes ... and how he'll be different when he returns to the real world he came from. This is a story about how a man is changed, not "what happens to us when we die." This is a character-arc story (it seems to me) where the focus starts and remains on Roland ... not necessarily what he experiences. The events that unfold serve to alter him forever and presumably make him into a better person in the end.

Whatever character flaw he has to overcome/resolve in order to sort out whether or not to reveal the existence of Alive, Alaska needs to be clearly demonstrated early on soon after we're introduced to this flawed man.

Other thoughts?

[rednael]

Good afternoon.

Thank you for your response. Let's give this a try and see where it lands.

ROLAND DAVID HUNTER, a hard-working but troubled African-American male, lands in that time of life where self-reflection reveals some harsh realities. Many years of labor have bought little prosperity. His family is gone, his friends, nonexistant. It's a cold, lonely life for Roland, and he's literally at the end of his rope. The only solution to his bleak existence seems to be suicide.

Thus, the decision is made. The time has come to put an end to this charade of a life. He even sets a timetable. Once he returns from an annual fishing trip to the Catskill Mountains, it's sayonara, cruel world.

But, God has other plans for Roland.

His fishing trip to the Catskills starts with a late night, heroic effort, as Roland rescues an equally suicidal man from an ill-fated swan dive into a valley. The gracious gentleman returns months later to thank Roland with the gift of a lifetime: an all expenses paid fishing trip to Alaska.

Well, that certainly brightens up the spirits of our protagonist, to put it mildly.

Once there, however, Roland roams the countryside, seeking out remote fishing spots. He makes a wrong turn, however, and ends up far away from his cabin area.....and right at the doorstep of the strangest community in the United States.

Behind these previously unknown walls reside some very familiar faces. That's not unusual.....except that all of these people are supposed to be dead! When Roland finds out that they're NOT dead but retired from the world, Roland knows he has found the cure for his lifelong poverty. Let the world know that these "stars and celebrities" are still very much alive, and Roland will be swimming in money.

But, could he actually expose this community when the people he's met (with one exception) have been so warm and friendly to him? Can he really profit over someone else's misery? Most of all, will he live long enough to even tell the story, much less reap the harvest?

That gentleman that blessed him with the vacation has no intention of letting this story hit the airwaves. His word, "I will do whatever I must" have venom, shaking Roland to the core. But do they change his mind? Of course not.

The solution? Only a "King" could even bring closure to this episode. Without question, Roland will be "All Shook Up" by the answer.

Yes, Roland has landed in "Alive, Alaska", a place where the past still lives, hopefully in peace and quiet, forever and ever.  There's magic in that community, and Roland has accidentally stumbled into a dream far removed from the streets of Brooklyn N.Y. It's time for something wonderful in his life and here it is for the taking.

"Alive, Alaska"....for those of us that dare to dream.

Thank you.

[ScriptNurse]

You can always "start here" ... we love to have our collective 2 cents worth ... and the best part is that you can take it or leave it. I can't wait!

[rednael]

Good morning.

It has been a while, but I am back, plugging away again, trying to break into that walled arena of movies.

I have a book out named "Alive, Alaska" (mountainmistproductions.com), and I'd like to pitch this idea for consideration.

Please let me know if I can start here for your knowledgeable opinion. I promise you something interesting, humorous and best of all, different.

Thank you.

Lee Beatty

[rednael]

Good morning.

It has been a while, but I am back, plugging away again, trying to break into that walled arena of movies.

I have a book out named "Alive, Alaska" (mountainmistproductions.com), and I'd like to pitch this idea for consideration.

Please let me know if I can start here for your knowledgeable opinion. I promise you something interesting, humorous and best of all, different.

Thank you.

Lee Beatty

[mtlancas]

Don's right. You need to boil it down to the core elements.

Who is your protagonist?
What does he want?
What's standing in his way?

What you've given us is unclear. Is the father the protagonist, or is it the assassin? You need to answer this question in order to summarize the story.

If it's the retired cop, it would sound something like:

When his daughter is brutally raped and murdered by a sinister drug baron, a retired cop hires an assassin to bring the killer to justice.

The problem here is that the cop isn't taking action himself, he's hiring someone to do his dirty work. Identify your protagonist and the conflict he faces along the way.

check out www.twoadverbs.com for a good article about constructing a logline

[ScriptNurse]

As a logline, this has two problems:

1. It's too long and give away too much of the storyline.
2. It needs to be infused with excitement and drama — making the reader want to know more.

Try to condense it somewhat by taking our some of the details ... replace that with charged words (this is admittedly the hard part).

[diplo]

Plotline:

An innocent girl is brutally raped and murder. Her father a retired police agent is outraged, and figuring he could not see the sexual assaulter go free, decides that he must get justice and enlists a professional hitman. The assassin just wants to retire but his wife illness force him to take one more job, so he accepts unaware that the target being a son of a sinister drugs baron who will stop at nothing to revenge his son death.


Please Tell Me what you Think?

intel_diplo

[JOSHUA B. POWER]

  Thanks ScriptNurse,  I appreciate your encouragement..  Yes,  the premise of this movie Is a Comedy..   I'll read some scripts,  get an idea of how to set up the story,  and thinking like a movie promo,  I forgot to mention,  "and just when they thought it couldn't get worse.."  the body turns up missing!!  Thanks again!  (By the way,  I like your new Forum,  it's easier to navigate!     )

-  JOSHUA B. POWER