tell me about it

[sharry]

here's a try:

two young adults get their hands on an info about a diary belonging to a secret organization. they try to get that diary with the dream of negotiation with the party and getting rich. however, it seems as if luck was not heading their way and they find their horrors coming alive.

[sharry]

that is a good one script nurse!

[ScriptNurse]

Why don't you post the best logline and we'll work with that? What you have is vague ... let's pick a direction and go there:

"A diary belonging to a secret organization falls into the hands of two friends, who see windfall riches using it, but when they try to cash in, their reality turns to horror."

[sharry]

this is actually my first logline thats why i screwed up a little bit and made it confusing! next time i'll be more careful!

[sharry]

no its not the supernatural kind of horror but an unpleasent situation they get themselves into. the matter of the info they get it from a corrupt police officer. the diary is significant because it has illlegal account numbers of mafia organization. getting hands on it will give a chance of some kind of negotiation.

yes i am a director and a writer. i do direct my own movies. this one is to be yet produced. i am kinda bzy on a psycho thriller for a college assignment.

thanks for the feedback Don and GuyM!

[ScriptNurse]

To make this work, we need to know WHY the diary is so important.

[GuyM]

Whilst intrigued, I'm also slightly confused. Do the freinds actuall get their hands on the diary itself or just come to learn of it's existence and beleive there is something about it that makes it valuable to them? Something that makes then seek it out? Are the horra or youor refer to something of a supernatural nature or does it leave them dealing with a highly unpleasant situation? I need a bit more clarity. The grammer is sentece structure is slightly confusing. I know your just putting it up for feedback and it's not the finished product but I know that when I look at loglines I sruggle to understand I start assuming that I don't want to read the script because I'll probably have a hard time understanding that as well. The sentence "is that true?" Didn't ad anything for me and made it harder to read.

Just out of interest; if this is a short are you producing it yourself or involved with production in any way?

All the best Sharry!

[sharry]

its a 10 min short film:

Action Thriller

Trapped
Logline:

Two friends get hands on an info about a diary that belongs to an organization. they think that the diary is a fortune to them. is that true? when they reach the place their horrors come alive.