advice on this please

[ajc5o5o]

"A single mother's love unites her dysfunctional family in the face of a murderous secret."

- Thats if your still going with the original theme

"A dysfunctional family crumbles in the wake of a murderous secret."

-If you like Don's idea

JUST THOUGHT I'D GIVE IT A SHOT FOR YA!

[uncle_al]

A murder brings to surface a dysfunctional family's secrets.

How about this?

"A single mom must choose between long-hidden secrets and her family being connected to a murder."

That could work...

Cheers!

Al B.

[Tatuuk]

A single mom has to decide whether to reveal the dysfunctional (family's)  secrets when the (family) is connected to a murder."

A murder brings to surface a dysfunctional family's secrets.


Using family twice in a sentence is a stretch.

[ScriptNurse]

Indeed!

[uncle_al]

Yeah, Don, I think yours is better. 
Unquestionably.

Sort of like The Royal Tennenbaums crossed with Murder By Death, you think?

Al B.

[ScriptNurse]

"A single mom has to decide whether to reveal the dysfunctional family's secrets when the family is connected to a murder."

The problem I see here is that the premise of the horror the kids will experience when they learn their mother isn't who they thought she was is not new and probably not hefty enough to carry this story, except maybe on Lifetime. I would play the murder angle and let the colorfully dysfunctional family take turns being accused of murder. It's a whodunnit with a screwed up family — and, man, they really need to be nuts — otherwise there's not enough story to make us want to sit in the dark for 90 minutes and watch it. IN OTHER WORDS: These people need to be 10 times wackier, sicker or more abominable than our own families.

[uncle_al]

Hey, Don?

We could probably use your help on this...

Al B.

[uncle_al]

{deep breath}

Okay, let's try this...

Lottiemae, a single mother with two kids, has to decide whether to reveal the family's secret when the kids go through major crises in their own lives.

It's a start...

Al B.

[lottiemae]

uncle al here is what is going on in this screenplay
Lottiemae is the main character,who was left in raises her niece and nephew, from her baby sister. (that's the secret). She has raised them from birth until 30 years of age.this is the promise she made with her sister Karen. the twins don't know who their real mother is, they think it is Lottiemae, but later they will find out who their bi-logical mother is. Lottiemae thinks she would loose the love that the kids have for her once she and Karen tells them, but in reality they would love her even more. it is other things going on in this script like :
1) the daughter finds out she isn't leagally married
2) the son is going through a divorce
3)the daughter-in-law has a secret lover(which is the son's best friend)
4) the lover gets killed/ so we have to guess who killed the lover.

LOTTIEMAE(MAIN CHARACTER) BEEBEE(DAUGHTER-IN-LAW) COLE(SON) CANDY(DAUGHTER) JOHN (LOVER) KAREN(LOTTIEMAE'S SISTER) AND WE ALSO HAVE GRANDKIDS.

[uncle_al]

Well, there is a little work to do...

Lottiemae has a secret.  This much we've established.

Why does she keep the secret?  What would she gain by revealing it?  What would she lose?  What stands in the way of her revealing it?  What does she have to learn (or unlearn) to succeed in her purpose?  Does she succeed?  Does she fail? 

You need to tell WHO (Lottiemae) is the main character, WHAT she is trying to do, WHY the opponent is against her, and HOW she has to change to get the action done.  I recommend reading more of the articles in the MAIN SECTION of the site; Don's got some good ones.

Al B.

[lottiemae]

This is my Logline to my screen play: The name of my script is "Lottiemae's Big Secret"

The trials and transgressions of an american family can be torn apart with secrets. Lottiemae has a secret to tell but time permits her to wait until another person arrives on the scene.