The end of Hani, The Last Guardian advice/critz/comments needed

[LloJo]

Your story is fine. I've read it, and it's a good premise. I have also looked long and hard at your artwork, (Thanks for showing me, BTW) and it isgreat.
What I want to see is the screenplay. Everything being built needs a blueprint. You are building a movie. The screenplay is your blueprint.
I realize you plan on filming this yourself, but you still need a plan!
We here on the site can help you more if we can "see" and "hear" what you have in mind.

[forestguardian2007]

I just finished giving my story an over hall, would anyone be willing to take a look at some of my story please?


Title- Hani, The Last Guardian
Genre: Romance, Science Fiction, Tragity
Starter-

550 years after the fall of mankind Hani, Dyani sets off on the greatest journey of his life, with his best friend Yamka, Elu at his side. To full fill his destiny and save the world he must over come the Great Trials, the death of his family, and defeat the darkness that engulfs all in its path. Through it all they discover the love they both share for each other and learn that “Only through darkness can heroes step into the light”.

The greatest chapter in our planets history has begun, are you ready?

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The History of my race the Honovians-
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Honovian%20History%20revision.doc
Chapter 1- Childhoods Final Days 19 Pages Long
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Book%201-%20Final%20Draft.doc
Chapter 2- Love and Tears in the Valley of Flowers 17 Pages Long
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Book%202-%20Love%20and%20Tears%20in%20the%20Valley%20of%20Flowers.doc
Chapter 3- Yamka's Rescue (not finished coming soon)
Chapter 4- Living Without You 11 Pages Long
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Chapter%204-Living%20without%20you.doc
Chapter 20- Hani's Sacrifice (The Last Episode/Chapter) 10 Pages Long
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Chapter%2020%20Hanis%20Sacrifice.doc

These are being edited for grammer and spelling so I'm sorry for any errors. I'm mostly posting the story to get comments on the story and the characters over all.

Thanks for viewing if you have any questions about the story so far please post I will do my best to answer.

Thanks alot hope you enjoy.

[uncle_al]

You may not be good now... but anything improves with practice.

Good luck!

Al B.

[forestguardian2007]

Thank you very much for all the help, I love questions they help me look at new parts to the story that I never thought of.

 I will try to get better at writing so my post don't waste your time, I know I'm not that good at it never have been. But as long as I can see a story in my mind I will find a way to create it. Would be nice to see them read all over the world but I'm just happy that even 1 person can read my story and enjoy.

 

[LloJo]

I'll spend some time reading what you've written so far, and perhaps have a few more comments.
I think you have a reasonable concept here; it would seem to be very good family fare.
I must say, you have taken on a huge job. Good luck with it.
I stand ready to help when you approach the screenplay aspect of your work.

[forestguardian2007]

First I would like to say sorry for my bad grammer and spelling I have never been to good at it. I do have people helping me correct them but it takes time.

___________________________________________________

Q: What do your characters "look" like?
A: Here are some rough character pictures to help answer this question.

Hani, Dyani-
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Picture%20266.jpg

http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Picture%20294.jpg

Yamka, Elu-
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Picture%20025.jpg


 These characters are a member of a race I named Honovian, meaning strong deer, they are a human/deer hybrid. They have 5 fingers, instead of nails they have hove tips on the ends of their hands. They walk up right and have horse like hooves.  The Honovian's are vastly intelligent, their spinal cords and brains grew as well allowing them to verbally communicate with each other, but they also retained the primal instinks and connection with nature.

 The combination of the radiation in the atmosphere, and the exchange of animal and human DNA all exchanged during mating lead this race to evolve they way they have.

Q: Are you writing a screenplay?
A: This will be rewritten in screenplay format, right now I'm working on the over all story, and the character designs.

Q: Will you use a form of "Claymation?
A: I plan to use 3D backgrounds, combined with traditional hand draw characters in the animation process of the story.

 I'm using a computer program called DAZ to create the 3D style backgrounds, camera angles and other setting, I'm also using MS photoshop to enhance to colors and give my characters the fresh look the story calls for.

 The setting of this story is in the Galapagos Islands. This is one of the few places still untouched by the hand of man, and would nearly untouched by the weapons that destroyed the rest fo the planet. The Honovian's renamed this place Awenasa, meaning my home.

 Abit long sorry but want to answer your questions as best I can. If you have anymore questions please ask I'm always looking for a reason to add something new to my story.

______________________________

If your interested in reading here are afew more chapters of the story they may answer some other questions, please note these are not finished and where never really meant to be seen yet.

Hani, The Last Guardian-
Chapter 1- Childhoods Final Days
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Chapter%201-%20Childhoods%20Final%20Days.doc
Chapter 2- Love and Tears in the Valley of Flowers
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Chapter%202%20Love%20and%20tears.doc
Chapter 4- Living Without You (This is the chapter that propels the rest of the story)
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Chapter%204-Living%20without%20you.doc

I do have chapter 3 in the works but there are still parts I'm trying to get right.

Thanks alot I hope you enjoy the story to this point and hope I answered som eof your questions.

[LloJo]

I'll try to answer your questions, and pose some of my own.
Does the story work for me? It seems to be good, sort of a feel good tragedy, if such there is.
Yes, there are lots of questions.
Yes, your characters are sympathetic.
It's hard to tell if anything should be omitted or added, given that the whole story is not here.

Now, here are a few comments and my questions. I notice there are many words spelled wrong, or used improperly throughout the story. In your defense, you mentioned editing is not complete, but even a first draft should be worth reading for corrections in word usage and spell-checked. If you don't do this, you stand the chance of someone "down the road" deep-sixing your work out of hand, and dismiss it as amateurish.

What do your characters "look" like? In your prior postings, I seem to remember they are not human, but neither are they "Disney type" characters. In a movie, we'll see them, but I need to know what they look like now. They have fingers, but how many? Do they walk upright?

Are you writing a screenplay? I seem to remember your desire to write, direct, and film this yourself, but you still need a plan. Will you use a form of "Claymation?"

If you do, and I hope you do, write a screenplay, perhaps I can help

[forestguardian2007]

First off sorry for the repost I did delete the other I made to many changes to the ending, and felt the first thread was no longer useful.
_______________________________________________________________________________________

 After nearly 3 years of work my story is at an end. It's so hard to end the lives of characters you spent endless hours creating they are as real to me as anyone.

What I need more than anything is for someone to read this and comment on the over all ending and please answer the questions at the bottem of the post if you have time.

Here is the background for the story itself-

Title- Hania the Last Guardian
Genre- Romance, drama, action, Tragity

It's been almost 260 years after mankind left this world. Their cities returning to the earth in which they where formed. But the greatest threat to our survival is no longer humans but our own. The Honovian’s (strong deer) are great thinkers and teaches but few are brave enough to protect the villages and families spread through out our homeland Awenasa. Only a few where chosen by the spirits to protect our way of life. They where given the name Guardians and entrusted with the knowledge of combat. These first guardians pasted down their knowledge to the first born child of their family male or female it mattered not. The first step in becoming a guardian is to undergo the Great Trials when the first born reaches the age of Essen chant 16.

I was a young buck full of drive, spirit, and thought I could take on the world itself. My father was going to take me to train for the trials I would soon take (I wish I had known that at the time). But little did I know what the spirits have in store for me, and my roll in the future of Gaia (Earth) was going to be.

This is the story of how I became a Guardian, how much it hurts to loss what you have, how I over came that loss and won the love of the girl that was there for me all along…
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Ok now for the ending, I'm trying to end the story and a sad, yet happy note, I just finished writing this so it has not been edited yet sorry.

Here is the link- (Please note these characters are not human)

Hani, The Last Guardian- Chapter 20- Hani's Sacrifice

http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/27/1021456/Chapter%2020%20Hanis%20Sacrifice.doc

___________________
Here are my questions-

 Did this ending work for you?
 Was there any question left unanswered?
 Do you feel anything at all for the characters?
 Is there anything I should add, or take out?