"The Last" by Ryan Brewer and Keith Melcher

[js]

I would love to read it. Email me at Jsmith5657@hotmail.com

[rnbrewer]

Thanks, Don. I appreciate all your insights. I'm already working on a rewrite (insipired by you) and it should be finished within the week. Thanks again.

[ScriptNurse]

WHAT is being said is good ... I think you can say it with fewer words. Tighten up the action description and this will read with more impact ... this should be a little edgy. Right now, I'm short on time due to other commitments, not to mention prepping for the contest. After you do a polish rewrite and the contest launches, that would be a good time.

[rnbrewer]

Thanks for the review, Don. The actual script lacks the CONTINUED's but I was doing a quick copy/paste since I had to divide it up in order to meet the maximum allowable KB for the post. Needless to say I forgot to re-remove them when I saved it as a PDF. (I just can't win when it comes to beating myself.)

Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. What did you think of the dialogue all together? Was it dynamic enough? Or do you think it really needs work? I understand about ACTION descriptions (my writing partner tends to ramble in his descriptions a lot which, in turn carries over to our scripts.)

Are you interested in reading the second half?

[ScriptNurse]

Here's my take ...

It's too wordy. This isn't a novel, so impeccably perfect English is not required. Give it a certain terseness. It goes with the style of the story and allows the reader to read faster, which is good.

Action descriptions have too many "is-ing" construction ... He "is reading" should be "He reads" ... "She's walking" should be "She walks" ... changing these will give the read much more impact.

It's not "vertical" ... mostly as a result of being wordy ... ratio of ink to white space is too high. A rewrite will fix this ... shorten action descriptions and tighten up dialogue. If you feel that the dialogue is getting "choppy" and almost feels "halting" ... but still says what you need for it to say ... you're there.

Remove ALL of the (CONTINUED) from ALL of the pages.

Remove the parentheticals ... they slow the reader down and irritate the crap out of actors. Dump 'em.

I like this story. It's visual and I can see these characters.

[rnbrewer]

Unfortunatly my script is too big to be posted as a single file so this is the first part of "The Last." If anybody wants to read the rest of it I might have to e-mail it to you since it rounds out at about 236 KB.

Enjoy! (I hope)

Logline:

A young man and his father find them selves trapped in their own home with a strange woman who holds a dark secret.