General Help

[ScriptNurse]

You certainly have the right idea. Most of what I see are some of the nuances of screenwriting that you're still learning. Here's some general observations:

• ADHERE TO THE FORMAT
Formatting errors can be smelled on the page by experienced readers (i.e. anyone you're likely to come in contact with). Do not deviate from the established format. Want to learn it? Read 20-30 scripts and you'll pretty much have it down. The typical development executive reads 30-50 scripts a week, so don't tell anyone you can't do it in a month or two.

• FORMAL ENGLISH
This isn't a novel, so a certain terseness is expected. Written correctly, sentence fragments work. What's important is that the words are descriptive and visual (i.e. this is the hard part).

• WORDY
I'd see if there are ways to tighten up the dialogue. Proper English is NOT required.

• TOO MANY PARENTHETICALS
New writers seem to LOVE parentheticals, but readers, agents and producers HATE them. Try to avoid them. HOW, you ask? Re-write the dialogue so it's not necessary. The purpose of a parenthetical is to indicate to whom the character is speaking if it's not apparent. That's it. No direction. No instructions to the actor. Write it right and they'll say it right.

• PARAGRAPHS IMPLY SHOTS
You have a number of paragraphs where it seems as though there are a variety of shots. Break those into separate paragraphs and it'll read MUCH better.

• SCENE HEADINGS (also called SLUGLINES)
They ALWAYS follow this format:

INT. SALLY'S BEDROOM - DAY
EXT. SALLY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

• POLISHING
Okay, here's a description that's important to the story, but could have greater impact:

The WOMAN reaches under the bed, pulling out a small wooden box. She opens the box, revealing a 9mm handgun.

A couple of points: It's not necessary to keep referring to the character as the WOMAN every time. Once we know who she is, it reads faster to just use she. Also, characters are in CAPS only the first time they are referenced in the script. You could have said:

From under the bed she pulls out a small wooden box.

A bright reflection of light crosses her face.

A 9mm handgun glimmers in the window light.

Notice this is three shots. It's not necessary to explicitly cover every detail, like the opening of the box ... that's implied by the action and keeps the reader focused on the important point.

Just some points to think about.

[MrBunny]

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. DARK PRISON CELL

The cell is very dark, only lit by a dim red aura coming from above. There are thousands of screaming voices coming from every direction. A naked MAN, with a cleanly shaven face and short, messy black hair lies on the ground, which appears to be an orange-red sand. Outside the cell blackened figures and shadows pass by. There is nothing in the room but the MAN. The walls are all black steel bar.

MAN (V.O.)

I've got to stand up... I've just got to get up.

The MAN starts pushing himself up weakly.

MAN (V.O.)

This is what got me here. Weakness got me here! Oh no, God, I won't pray. No blessings today!

The MAN falls down into the sand.

MAN

(Dry, cracking)

You have betrayed me!  You left me here to rot!

UNKNOWN

(Bellowing)

Quiet down in there!

MAN (V.O.)

You've left me with nothing but the thoughts in my head. How could anyone be so cruel? Just stand up! Stand!

The MAN pushes himself up further, getting a good look at his face you can see his lips are dried and cracked.

MAN (V.O.)

Push, damn it!

The MAN pushes himself up onto his knees, he smiles, his lips crack and bleed slightly, he tilts his head back and his face is illuminated by the red aura.

Man(V.O.)

I don't understand this place. This is not my home. You've abandoned me!

The MAN falls forward onto his hands, now on his hands and knees.

MAN

(Deepened, cracking)

I have no sympathy for you. I will shed no tears for you.

The camera zooms in on the MANS face, his eyes slowly shut, and his head tilts down.

                                         FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

INT. LAVISH HOUSE - BEDROOM

There is a large bed in the center of the room, on each side of it is a window. The blanket is red, almost silk-looking. There is a WOMAN sitting on the edge of the bed, she has long brown hair, wearing a green dress, she is wearing makeup, she is somewhat old-looking in appearance. To her right is a large wooden dresser, with a big mirror attached to the top. To her left sits a wooden desk and chair. The carpet in the room is white, and everything gives off a very clean look.

WOMAN (V.O.)

I was here today... Just thinking. How could I have done this to myself? It's all my fault he's gone. It's been so long since I've felt him. Since I've seen or heard him. How could I have been so selfish for so long?

The WOMAN turns, facing the mirror, she is crying, staring blankly at herself, her makeup begins to run down her face.

WOMAN (V.O.)

I never even thought about him. You know I would never do that. You, don't you start this! You are here, but I'm sure time has not treated your soul kindly. Time is cruel. Time is so cruel...

The WOMAN reaches under the bed, pulling out a small wooden box. She opens the box, revealing a 9mm handgun.

WOMAN (V.O.)

How could I have been so selfish for so long? I'm sorry, my dear. You left in a hurry. How was I supposed to react?

The WOMAN begins crying much harder, putting her hands over her face.

WOMAN

How could I have been so selfish! I am sorry! I am sorry!

The WOMAN takes the gun and puts it in her mouth, the camera quickly cuts to just her eyes, as they slowly close.

                                         FADE OUT.

I wrote more as a test. Did I do that right? Hope so. I know my descriptions are a bit.. Well, not good. Any pointers if anyone has any will help. This was thought up very quickly, but it's not meant to be taken seriously... Just making sure I got the order of things right.

[MrBunny]

You know what?  You never know... as the venerable (and venerated) William Goldman says, "Nobody knows anything."  Brainstorm it.  See if you can expand it.
At worst, it might be a five or ten minute short, that could get you accepted at various and sundry film festivals, hither, thither, and yon.

Weren't they a vaudeville team on the old Keith circuit?

Cheers!

Al B.

Hmm, maybe I'll work on it. It couldn't hurt. I'll post it if I finish it.

[uncle_al]

The dialogue is meant to be about a guy in purgatory. I didn't write any more. I mean, I could, but I don't see it truly going anywhere.

You know what?  You never know... as the venerable (and venerated) William Goldman says, "Nobody knows anything."  Brainstorm it.  See if you can expand it.
At worst, it might be a five or ten minute short, that could get you accepted at various and sundry film festivals, hither, thither, and yon.

Weren't they a vaudeville team on the old Keith circuit?

Cheers!

Al B.

[MrBunny]

It was just written as a tiny script. No real meaning, no true depth. Just wanted to see what exactly it was I was doing wrong, and you guys have helped. Thanks a lot. 

The dialogue is meant to be about a guy in purgatory. I didn't write any more. I mean, I could, but I don't see it truly going anywhere.

[uncle_al]

I'd have to agree... the concept is intriguing.

As an alternative, the monologue could be done as voice-over; yes, it's a cliché, but even clichés have their place...

Now, is this a whole item, or is there more?  I'd be interested to know...

Cheers!

Al B.

--There are no rules in Hollywood, and you ignore them at your peril.

[ScriptNurse]

Formatted rewritten (not the dialogue) a bit, it might look something like this:

THE NAME OF GOD

FADE IN:

INT. OLD HOUSE - DAY

An empty room, paint curls from the walls, the rotting floor is cracked. A antique rocking chair sits in the middle of the room. Beside it sits an almost-new side table.

An OLD MAN shuffles in, wearing old, tattered and torn clothes, his face framed with a scraggly white beard and leathery, pale skin.

OLD MAN

I was here today. Just thinking, dear. Just thinking. And I got to thinking: Am I God? Am I? How can I be sure? My dear, how can I be absolutely certain, though? Your supposed God has not betrayed me, in such a way? He left me here, alone to fade. I look out the windows, dear, just begging for one last sight of the world I think I knew. It's changed, and still changing. The whiteness fades to black, and the black then fading to white. Would I be so cruel, as to do this to myself? Do I feel so lowly, my dear?

Pushing aside a dusty, green curtain, he looks out, seeing nothing but white.

OLD MAN

Would I have done this to myself? I ask that question all the time. I ask, would I truly have let you go, if I were God? I believe, in the end, that I would have. You don't belong to me now, dear, you belong to the sun. You can look at it now, and smile. But why would I have put myself in such a place? An answer, I will never get. Even if I were God, would I be able to answer my own questions, or would I be lost in the endless knowledge, confused by time? I can't even remember how I got here. Have I lost this knowledge in the vast amount I carry? But as God, should I not be able to recall such things? Such things, you would think, God should know, my dear.

He hobbles over and sits in the creaky rocking chair.

OLD MAN

But then again, if I am not God, who am I? What am I? I have no knowledge outside of this place, anymore. Why would God put me here? Is this all there is to see, today? This day, I'd say, has gone on for much too long, not that I'd truly know the length of one. Please, my dear, you are the last memory I have. You fade away as time passes, but I must ask, where is time? Where has it all gone? I wish, I wish, to feel you again. Goodbye, my dear. I'll fade with you, I think.

The camera zooms slowly into the mans face. His eyes close.

Some observations ...
VERY wordy
Rule of Thumb ... more than 5 lines down the page and it's becoming a speech.
Unclear to whom he is speaking ... himself out loud? ... to "God" above? ... to someone else who's passed on?

A very interesting concept!

[LloJo]

What you need to do is go to the box below. (Additional options) This will give you a browse button, which will allow you to sift through everything you have available on your computer. When you select and post, it saves your formatting, and gives you that little paperclip to tell folks to look further. Works like a charm! Oh, yes! That's another thing I should mention. Avoid cliches like the plague.

[MrBunny]

Thank you!

The spacing was, actually, done differently than when I posted it. When I copied and pasted, it went that way. Sorry about that.
I'll be reading your script in a minute. Thanks very much for the help.

[LloJo]

After I posted, I re-read the script. It can stand re-writing. I saw several spots where I started writing in a passive voice, and I found a place where I told a fact without showing it. Can you find these boo-boos?

[LloJo]

Well, well, well! I see you are making the same mistakes I made when I was starting out (About 100 years ago)
First, if you haven't already done so, get yourself a formatting program. Final Draft has been touted as the best, I vouch for ScreenForge, but there are several FREE programs, available right here on SN. This will insure you have the varied parts of your screenplay properly spaced, indented and capitalized where required. THIS IS CRITICAL! As Uncle Al is fond of saying, "There are no rules in Hollywood, and they are strictly enforced." The way your screenplay is presented would cause a reader (The guy who holds your fate in  his hands) to deep-six your efforts, immediately, with no fanfare.

After you get your confuser set to be your helper, get your story complete, preferably on paper. It should have a beginning with a good hook, a smash ending, and a smooth transition from one to the other. Then, break your story down into scenes, remembering that each scene has the same three parts as well. Start each new scene with a description, eg INT or EXT.  LOCATION - NIGHT or DAY.

Always write in the present tense, avoiding the tendency to lapse into words ending with "ly" or "ing." What you are making is a blueprint for a movie. Show what's happening, if you tell us, it probably can't be filmed.

I am posting a short script I wrote for practice. You'll find it by clicking on the paperclip at the bottom of this post.

Please don't take this as harsh; it isn't meant that way. I hope it gets you on the right foot.

[MrBunny]

I wasn't sure where to post this. I'm just getting started writing scripts- I think I have it somewhat understood, but I probably don't. Here's a small script I just wrote, because I'd learn better if you point out the wrong things in something I wrote. Go ahead and be harsh, it'll just help. (Sorry if this is in the wrong place.)


The Name of God

We see just an empty room, old looking, the walls are chipping, the floor is rotted wood. There is a rocking chair sitting in the middle of the room, it is very old looking, with a small table beside it. The table appears to be in very good condition.

Scene 1

An old man walks into the room, he is wearing old, tattered and torn clothes. He has a scraggly white beard, and leathery looking skin, but very pale. His hair is long, and white.

Grandpa

I was here today... Just thinking, dear. Just thinking. And I got to thinking- Am I God? Am I? How can I be sure? My dear, how can I be absolutely certain, though? Your supposed God has not betrayed me, in such a way? He left me here, alone to fade. I look out the windows, dear, just begging for one last sight of the world I think I knew. It's changed, and still changing. The whiteness fades to black, and the black then fading to white. Would I be so cruel, as to do this to myself? Do I feel so lowly, my dear?

The old man looks out the window, pushing aside an old dusty looking green curtain. We can see nothing outside, just white.

GRANDPA

Would I have done this to myself? I ask that question all the time. I ask, would I truly have let you go, if I were God? I believe, in the end, that I would have. You don't belong to me now, dear, you belong to the sun. You can look at it now, and smile. But why would I have put myself in such a place? An answer, I will never get. Even if I were God, would I be able to answer my own questions, or would I be lost in the endless knowledge, confused by time? I can't even remember how I got here. Have I lost this knowledge in the vast amount I carry? But as God, should I not be able to recall such things? Such things, you would think, God should know, my dear.

The old man walks away from the window, sitting in the old, creaky rocking chair.

GRANDPA

But then again, if I am not God- who am I? What am I? I have no knowledge outside of this place, anymore. Why would God put me here? Is this all there is to see, today? This day, I'd say, has gone on for much too long, not that I'd truly know the length of one. Please, my dear, you are the last memory I have. You fade away as time passes- but I must ask, where is time? Where has it all gone? I wish, I wish, to feel you again. Goodbye, my dear. I'll fade with you, I think.

The camera zooms slowly into the mans face. The mans eyes close. Fade out.