latebloomer
New Screenwriter
Posts: 7
|
 |
« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2008, 12:09:49 PM » |
|
very helpful, thanks
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
ajc5o5o
New Screenwriter
Posts: 15
|
|
« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2008, 09:48:53 PM » |
|
Latebloomer,
Just a thought but maybe it would be slightly less wordy and more informative to replace "A successful man" with his actual career. For example "A lawyers life is upended when a college lover resurfaces years later strugling to escape the FBI and a right-wing militia."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"We may be through with the past, but the past may not be through with us."
|
|
|
latebloomer
New Screenwriter
Posts: 7
|
|
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2008, 04:14:39 PM » |
|
Ok one more time:
"A successful man's life is upended when a college lover resurfaces years later to entangle him in her struggle to escape the FBI and murderous pursuers."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
latebloomer
New Screenwriter
Posts: 7
|
|
« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2008, 12:49:03 PM » |
|
would this be better: "A successful man is forced to confront his radical past when a college lover resurfaces years later to entangle him in her struggle to escape the FBI and murder."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
latebloomer
New Screenwriter
Posts: 7
|
|
« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2008, 08:22:36 PM » |
|
thanks it seems to work
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
ScriptNurse
Head Nurse
Private Coach
Screenwriter-Producer
Posts: 1363
Head Nurse
|
|
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2008, 07:54:42 PM » |
|
Try this version:
"A successful man's life is upended when a college lover resurfaces years later to entangle him in her struggle to escape the FBI and murder."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Don BledsoeHead Nurse Write better ... right now! Good scripts are those that get bought. Want to write screenplays? READ SCREENPLAYS!Write it right and they'll say it right! NO SPEEDBUMPS!Want control? GO TO FILM SCHOOL!
|
|
|
latebloomer
New Screenwriter
Posts: 7
|
|
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2008, 06:37:14 PM » |
|
Still too long you think?
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
ScriptNurse
Head Nurse
Private Coach
Screenwriter-Producer
Posts: 1363
Head Nurse
|
|
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2008, 08:15:31 PM » |
|
Ah ... a one-breath pitch you can give on an elevator between floors.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Don BledsoeHead Nurse Write better ... right now! Good scripts are those that get bought. Want to write screenplays? READ SCREENPLAYS!Write it right and they'll say it right! NO SPEEDBUMPS!Want control? GO TO FILM SCHOOL!
|
|
|
latebloomer
New Screenwriter
Posts: 7
|
|
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2008, 09:55:31 PM » |
|
a little shorter:
"A successful man's life is upended when a college lover, turned radical fugitive, resurfaces years later to enmesh him in her struggle to avoid capture by the FBI and murder by a vengeful militia group."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
ScriptNurse
Head Nurse
Private Coach
Screenwriter-Producer
Posts: 1363
Head Nurse
|
|
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2008, 08:52:59 PM » |
|
I like it, but it's rather a mouthful to say. Can it be reworded a little to make it shorter?
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Don BledsoeHead Nurse Write better ... right now! Good scripts are those that get bought. Want to write screenplays? READ SCREENPLAYS!Write it right and they'll say it right! NO SPEEDBUMPS!Want control? GO TO FILM SCHOOL!
|
|
|
latebloomer
New Screenwriter
Posts: 7
|
|
« on: July 28, 2008, 09:54:34 AM » |
|
What does anyone think:
"A successful man's comfortable life is upended when a college lover, turned radical fugitive, resurfaces 25 years later to enmesh him in her struggle to avoid capture by the FBI and revenge killing by a right-wing militia group."
thanks for your help
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Script Nurse Forum
|
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
