"Somnolence" Psychological Thriller *Short*

[ScriptNurse]

If the story is about "problems going on today in our government" and you "hide" it ... then the story is about something else and "problems going on today in our government" is a sub-plot, isn't it? This is a story about Eric. He's the good-guy and he is victimized by something (I'll guess the government) ... that's the bad guy.

"After school one day, a boy wakes up in his room to discover the door is missing, footsteps and children crying are heard outside, and his television plays only white noise."

Everything else you've written is observation or comment. The line above is visual fact. You'll notice the visual facts do not include anything relative to "problems going on today in our government." Your visual facts are not in sync with your intended storyline. You need to fix this. Perhaps a one page synopsis would help to clarify things.

[uncle_al]

I was mulling this one over a bit...

Sorry, I just can't get my mind around it without actually reading a draft.  If you want to post or link one, that's fine.  If not, I can't blame you.

Cheers!

Al B.

[AdamNorris]

Eric comes home from school one day and goes to his room to study. After waking up from falling asleep he realizes the door to his room is missing. He can hear footsteps, and children crying from outside his room. Worst of all there is white noise on his television that will not go away unless unless seemingly random imagery is being shown through it. Where is he and what is happening? Wrote as a social commentary about the problems going on today in our government but well hidden amongst the storyline.