HELP PLEASE

[uncle_al]

By all means.  And... glad we could help.

Cheers!

Al B.

[Write Or Wrong]

Y'welcome.  Let us know how it goes!

-- Mike

[JammyDodger]

Thank you so much for your advice.

I am reworking it today, and i am already much happier with it!! Thank you

[Write Or Wrong]

My opinion: you have a very good ear for what you are attempting, Jammy.  This type of animation -- mostly unsupported by dialog -- relies heavily on the visuals to tell the story, and to me it feels like you've pulled it off -- in the script, at least.  It's a sort of dark humor that devolves into despair.  Maybe not so removed from Chaplin.  We laugh at your Prisoner's dilemma, even as we secretly sympathize with him.

I'm guessing you're not so far from three minutes.  You've got time for another quick scene or two.  That's actually fortunate; it provides just enough time to stretch out the prisoner's ordeal to the point where it would seem believable for his impatience to manifest as a nosebleed.

Ideas: an impossibly slow guard shuffles down the row of cells to free the prisoner prior to lining up for release.  Maybe he insists on tapping each bar with his nightstick as he passes.  Or make him obsessive-compulsive, ritualistically locking and unlocking each cell seven times or some such.

What else?  Maybe the prisoner misses the narrow window of opportunity to step out of the cell before the gate swings shut.  What if he got distracted mooning over the picture of his girlfriend, and so wasn't paying attention.  So he must wait for the obnoxiously slow guard to return.

I agree with Uncle Al that it would be best to have the prisoner end up in his original cell rather than a psychiatric ward.  It's better, because his now fully blooming insanity goes unremarked by the system.

Ya might want to go over your script with a spell checker and fix up the grammar in a few places.  Other than that, I think you've got a winner.  Good luck, and get it done!

-- Mike

[uncle_al]

Okay, let's get to it...

First, I'm not entirely sure if you're writing a slapstick comedy or a shock-twist ending psychodrama.  You have elements of both there; in my experience, such as it's been, trying to combine both disparate elements usually (add the appropriate qualifiers here) dilutes the effect of each separate element, unless you're VERY good or VERY lucky.

I don't quite think that happened this time.

Additionally, slapstick is very tricky to write.  (I would've said "slapstick is a funny thing to write", but I was able to stop myself before it came out of the fingertips.  Except for this parenthetical digression, of course.)

It's difficult, at best, to get the split-picosecond timing the best slapstick gags have on paper, in a way that resembles in any shape or fashion the gag as you see it in your head - and if you don't see it as you write it, then neither will anyone reading the script.  And, to top it off, the script is the blueprint of the finished movie.  Making it a full "architectural rendering" type of document is not what you want to do.

My suggestion is to skip the psych ward ending, and put him back in the same hole he was in at the beginning.  A "full-circle" sort of ending, as it were.

Of course, since this is only a suggestion, you can take as much - or as little - of it as you choose to, and s**tcan the rest.

It's up to you.

Cheers!
(And luck, too!)

Al B.

[JammyDodger]

It appears that won't work either so i will copy it into the box.

FADE IN:

INT. PRISON CELL - MORNING

PRISONER is a middle aged man with his hair neatly combed into place, and his prison suit tidily worn, is standing the door way to his cell holding a picture with a women on it, and a letter.

HE studies this picture hard as it is the face of his girlfriend. Gently touches it with a finger.

There is a bit of writing on the picture saying "I’ll be waiting."

He smiles a broad ear reaching smile.

Looking up from the picture he looks around his cell one last time, passing his eyes over the broken toilet, a neatly made bed, and the small dusty window.

He takes a deep breath, forcing him to relax from the apprehension.

Clutching the letter in one hand and the picture in the other he turns his back to the room and walks out of the cell. The door slams shut as he leaves the room.

INT. ADMINISTRATION DESK BY THE EXIT TO THE PRISON - MORNING

Prisoner stand in the exit line, waiting to be released.

OFF CAMERA an echoing bang can be heard.

He sees the EXIT DOOR. Sunshine is bursting through it, making the door glow.

He leans forward, putting out his hand with the picture in trying to show the CONVICT in front of him his girlfriend.

The convict grunts and ignores the Prisoners picture.

As the Prisoner looks up from his photo, through the door he can see a figure behind the fence. As the sunlight clears he can see it’s his girlfriend.

He laughs, with a wide smile on his face.

Excitedly he looks around the convict in front of him.

As he looks around the head he sees an OLD GUARD working the paperwork. The Old Guard raises a big stamp and brings it down with a THUD on the desk.

One inmate has been released.

The Prisoner takes a step closer to the desk. Excitedly looking at the desk, and the stamp. The Old Guard is dropping paper.

The Old Guard slowly reaches for some more paper, and picks it up with a shaking hand. Paper spills onto the floor.

Prisoner look down at the watch on his wrist.

He starts to bob on the spot constantly looking around the Convict, to see how quickly the Old Guard is moving.

He looks down at his watch again.

As he is looking down the queue has moved forwards. CONVICT 2 sees that Prisoner has not noticed this.

As the Prisoner looks up he sees space in front of him, and goes to step forwards.

Convict 2 steps into the space, pushing in line in front of Prisoner.

Prisoner stops in his tracks. Surprised, and angered by this rude behavior. His smile slipping from his face, as he realises he has to wait even longer in the queue.

He runs a tense hand through his hair. As he brings his hand round he goes to GRAB Convict 2.

Convict 2 steps forwards to the desk, out of his grasp. His fingers missing him by a few centimeters.

As Convict 2 stand by the desk he jeers at Prisoner. This torment goes unnoticed by the Old Guard who is busy trying to find his glasses.

Prisoner is bobbing on the spot even more. His hands clenching into fists at the side of his body.

His body starts tightening and his shoulders start to raise.

OFF CAMERA a clock is ticking loudly.

He looks towards desk and where the old guard is dropping papers onto the floor.

Old Guard shuffles slowly towards a another pile of papers at the opposite end of desk.

Prisoner looks at watch again. Looking around erratically, and playing absentmindedly with the strap of his watch. Bobbing up and down on the spot.

OFF SCREEN we hear a THUD.

Prisoner get pushed from behind and stumbles.

He catches himself, and GLARES around at the CONVICT 3 behind.

Clenching his fists he steps up to the desk with a big, forceful stride.

His body is shaking, his jaw clenched, watching the Old Guard slowly reach for his paper work.

OFF CAMERA a clock ticking can be heard again. This time the ticking is getting slower, and louder.

He looks out of the door. The sky has got darker making it difficult for him to see his girlfriend.

He sharply turns his head back to the Old Guard.

His body is shaking more vigorously. He roughly runs a hand through his hair, clenching his other hand by his side, crumpling the picture.

The Old Guard stops with the stamp held in the air.

Prisoner gulps. Frozen with apprehension.

He leans forward, waiting for the stamp to hit the paper letting him go free.

A trickle of blood starts coming from his nose and drips onto the desk.

Surprised at this, he quickly touches a shaking finger to his face to see what is happening. He brings his hand down and sees blood on his hand.

At that moment Old Guard glances up from his papers and sees the blood on Prisoners face, and hand.[/action]

OLD GUARD

Bb..b.b.bbloodd

The Old Guard drops the stamp. It falls to the floor in slow motion.

Prisoner watches it fall, shock appearing on his face as his paper has not been stamped.

The Old Guard stares straight ahead. Completely rigid and still for a moment, arm still outstretched.

His eyes roll backwards and he collapses onto the floor with a BANG.

This sound alerts the other GUARD. He looks over and sees Prisoner leaning over the desk, and Old Guard collapsed on the floor.

Guard look at Prisoner and a grim smile crosses his face.

Prisoner still leaning over the desk, looks from the Old Guard to the Guards, and back again quickly observing the situation.

A look of stunned disbelief crosses his face.

He starts shaking his head as the Guards run towards him.

He takes one last look out of the door as he gets tackled to the ground by the Guards. His picture falling out of his hand.

We see the picture floats gently to the floor.

INT. PADDED PSYCHIATRIC CELL

The room has padded walls, with a flickering fluorescent light on the ceiling. The light flashes are erratic, and nauseating.

His picture is lying on the floor, looking crumpled.

The Prisoner is sat in the corner. His hair is dishevelled, with bits in front of his face. There is still a line of dried blood leading from his nose. A scream comes from somewhere in the distance.

He sits, eyes wide open staring at nothing, huddling against his knees, rocking backwards and forwards.

He starts laughing hysterically.

GUARD

Lights out!

FADE TO BLACK.

[JammyDodger]

Hi there,

I have written a script for myself to animate as part fo a course. I have been given 2 weeks to do this project as i had medical problems at the end of the year and was unable to attend the course. I am being marked on y animation not the script, but with a poor script i cannot animate properly. My film must be 3 mins long... I can draw out what i have to make it 3 mins but this will reflect on the quality of my animation.

I am asking for any help anyone can give me. Plot ideas, tips, anything.... I am desperately trying to thik of ways to increase my script time to 3 mins but im not a scriptwriter i'm an animator.

Please help. I have crudely copied my script from final draft to word as its the only way i can attach it.