Logline - Gravewalker

[Poetic Colossus]

Thanks for the tips! I'm also posting the first 5 pages up soon, so any input there would be welcomed as well...

[ScriptNurse]

Here's what I would do ... get down to your final two ... write 20 query letters where they are exactly the same, except for the logline, and then see which one pulls more interest. It's not scientific, but it gets you out there.

[uncle_al]

With this one, it's hooky, but do you get the concept?

I think this one's better... it's got enough ambiguity to raise questions in the mind of the reader, but is specific enough to limn out genre and concept.

You're getting there.  Nobody ever said this would be easy.  If they did, they're trying to sell you life insurance or a new long-distance plan...

Cheers!
Al B.

[Poetic Colossus]

Huh. Ok. I suppose you've seen enough loglines to maybe know what you're talking about. 

Try this one:

Swept into a shadowy realm, an orphan who walks a lonely road between the living and the dead must embrace her dark birthright to find family in the most unexpected of places.

With this one, it's hooky, but do you get the concept?

[uncle_al]

I'm partial to it as well, but would you think leading with "An Orphan..." has more of a hook factor to it?

Not necessarily... The phrase "An orphan..." is generic enough where it could describe almost any protagonist, from Oliver Twist to Little Orphan Annie to Kal-El to Bruce Wayne.
Using the opening clause of #3 as the lead, it swings right into an action phase, hooking the reader quickly.

My 2 dinars...

Cheers!
Al B.

[Poetic Colossus]

I like the third one ... more action-oriented.

I'm partial to it as well, but would you think leading with "An Orphan..." has more of a hook factor to it?

[ScriptNurse]

I like the third one ... more action-oriented.

[Poetic Colossus]

Ah - the insanity of writing loglines: After some revision, three new ones:

1) An orphan with the power to command the dead is swept into a mystical realm where she must uncover the secret of her grim heritage to bring her best friend back to life. Gravewalker.
 
2) Torn between two worlds, an orphan with the power to command the dead must uncover the secret of her grim heritage to bring her best friend back to life. Gravewalker.

3) Swept into a mystical realm, an orphan with the power to command the dead must uncover the secret of her grim heritage to bring her best friend back to life. Gravewalker.

[Poetic Colossus]

A third logline, courtesy of my wife making me idiot-proof it - funny thing is I think sounds pretty darn good and not so "mysterious" as the other ones:

Swept from our world into a realm plagued by Undead creatures, an orphan discovers that shes the last of a line of mystics who can control Death. When her best friend dies because of her powers, she sets out on a epic quest to bring him back to life. Gravewalker.

[Poetic Colossus]

Hi folks - great site. Sad because sifting through all of the good info here is going to take some time.

Anyways, I've been struggling with the logline for my completed script. It's very much a "Pan's Labyrinth" with more fantasy/supernatural elements thrown in. There's two loglines I have, and I'd be indebted for any insight regarding which one flows better/makes more sense.

With no further adieu:

1)   Swept into a mystical realm plagued by the Undead, an orphan discovers her grim heritage and fights to save the family she never knew. Gravewalker.

2)   Torn between two worlds, a lonesome girl with the power to control Death itself finds family in the most unexpected of places. Gravewalker.