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Author Topic: An Average Night...  (Read 2862 times)
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uncle_al
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« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2008, 08:48:16 PM »

I have to agree...
The <unbelievably gross and disgusting expletive string deleted> problem with description in a screenplay is, there's either too much of it, or not enough.
Too much where it doesn't need to be - such as in the description of scenes, or telling the reader (not the audience) too much expository backstory - makes it a slow read.
Like Don's fond of saying, NO SPEEDBUMPS!
Not enough description, so you don't really know where you are, or what the weather in the scene's supposed to be - a word, here and there, will suffice, usually - is just about as bad.  A confused reader doesn't recommend scripts... or buy them.
It's a tricky balancing act, and it takes practice.  After all, the Flying Wallendas didn't start out doing their pyramid act on the high wire without a net.

Oh, and in response to the "space" comment and sluglines, I usually add modifiers to set things up a bit more.
An example:


EXT. SPACE - NEAR PLANET

Near to a sun, a beautiful blue-green planet sits, basking in the rays.


EXT. SPACE - INTERSTELLAR

The U.S.S. UNDERWEAR, the Federocracy's finest collection of gonzos, losers, and basket cases, cruises at hyperspeed.


Howzat?

Cheers!

Al B.
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AdamNorris
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« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2008, 01:59:46 AM »

Try to avoid parenthesis. Everything that you have wrote in Parenthesis is the directors job, unless of course you plan on directing it yourself. In that case you can write it however you want, Rob Zombie wrote alot of "House Of a Thousand Corpses" and "The Devils Rejects" on the back of napkins and scrap paper (it shows especially in the case of HO1,000C). It wasn't until he started shooting that he had someone rewrite it into proper format. When describing your characters try to be very descriptive using the least amount of words as possible. Be exact on ages unless they are throw away characters, I.E.

a thirty something BLONDE WAITRESS walks into the dining area holding an apple pie, and walks to a table and sets it down in front of FAT MAN,35 pudgy cheeks, wearing a fishermans cap and a christmas sweater.

I know it is alot of more of this not too much of this but it has got to be exact.


P.S. I am not trying to bitch at you I have alot to learn myself and I am working on my 7th, 8th, and 9th screenplays.
 
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rnbrewer
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« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2008, 09:36:14 PM »

Unless it takes place in outer space, right?
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ScriptNurse
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« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2008, 07:13:39 PM »

Sluglines MUST always have a time of day ...

INT. WATERFRONT BAR - NIGHT
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Your_name91
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« on: June 07, 2008, 06:49:14 PM »

Just a quick something I put together earlier. Tell me what you think and how I can improve.

FADE IN:


INT. BEDROOM

MAX (late teens) and DANIEL (late teens) are playing video games.

MAX
You suck.

A short pause.

DANIEL
So does your mother.

MAX
Yeah she does, but she's not as good as your gran.

Daniel pauses for a while.

DANIEL
You're sick.

MAX
What? couldn't you come up with a good enough comeback?

DANIEL
I could not.

MAX
Didn't think so.

A piercing scream is heard and the two flinch, they pause for a moment then look out the window.

They see a Man covered in shadows stood still with a woman sprawled on the floor next to him.

DANIEL
Holy shit!

MAX
Jesus...

The man starts to walk away from the woman and onto a large field.

DANIEL
What the hell! No, no, no. What the fuck just happened?

MAX
Shit...what are we going to do?

DANIEL
What do you mean "what are we going to do"? We have to call the police. Or do something at least.

MAX
I ain't calling the cops, I got weed here.

DANIEL
I thought you stopped.

MAX
No, I ain't giving that up.
(pause)
Why are we talking about this? I don't think now is a good time.

DANIEL
Right. So what are we going to to? If we can't call the police, what can we do?

MAX
We can do nothing?

Daniel gives Max a disapproving glare.

MAX
Oh for god's sake, you're such a pussy.

DANIEL
Someone is dead!

MAX
Oh, what then?

DANIEL
What if he kills more people? How would you feel?

MAX
I wouldn't know about it, so I'd probably be dandy.

DANIEL
Dandy?

MAX
Fuck off.

DANIEL
We've got to do something!

MAX
Oh, fine then. What do you suppose?
(sarcastic)
I know let's follow him.

Daniel nods to Max, who just shakes his head.


EXT. LARGE FIELD - NIGHT

The man is walking far into the distance. Daniel and Max are running towards him.



MAX
(to himself)
What the fuck are we doing?

They get quite close to the man and slow down.

MAX
If we die, I'll blame you.

DANIEL
Oh, Mr. Negative over here.

MAX
I'm sorry but didn't you see the dead body outside my house, or was that just my imagination?

DANIEL
Just listen to me, we've got to see what the hell is going on so calm down.

MAX
Sorry to break this to you but you do realize that we a following a murderer?

DANIEL
Yeah.

MAX
Oh good, just thought you ought to know.

DANIEL
Just stop it, we could save lives here you know.

MAX
Click your fingers.

DANIEL
What?

MAX
Just click your fingers.

Daniel out of curiosity starts to click his fingers.

DANIEL
why am I doing this?

MAX
Do you feel sad now?

DANIEL
No, why?

MAX
Because every time you click your fingers a child in Africa dies. Well done you selfish bastard.

DANIEL
This is different.

MAX
Oh because the woman was white it's different...racist.

DANIEL
You're such a retard.

MAX
You're the one with the little Nazi brain.

The man gets to the edge of the field and walks onto to street. Daniel and Max follow.


EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Daniel and Max are close behind the man who is rigidly moving down the street.

Daniel and Max don't speak in fear of being caught following the man.

MAX
We can still g--

DANIEL
Shh.

MAX
Did you just shh me?

Daniel stares coldly at Max, who smiles then continues his silence.

The man stops moving which startles the teenagers, who both scream. The man doesn't notice it and they freeze with fear.

the man looks at the house he stopped at and walks around to the back lane. The teens follow.

The man is looking through a window in the house for a while.

MAX
What's he doing?

DANIEL
Will you stop talking?

MAX
No.

Max stops talking.

DANIEL
You did well.

The man raises his hand and a scream is heard from inside the house.

MAX
Bullocks.

The man turns and disappears into the trees.

MAX
Good plan. we did well didn't we?

DANIEL
But he didn't do anything. He just raised his hand.

MAX
Well maybe it was a fucking magic man hand. Ever think of that?

DANIEL
Twat.

MAX
Don't call me a twat, you're the twat...You twat.

A person walks out of the house and sees the two teens.

PERSON
It was them!

MAX
Fuck!

Max and Daniel run away from the house.


INT. PRISON

Max and Daniel are sitting in a cell.

MAX
I fucking hate you.

« Last Edit: June 10, 2008, 07:12:28 PM by ScriptNurse » Logged
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